Best advice was given to me by both a dear friend and former spiritual advisor of mine.
They told me "it's time to put yourself in the drivers seat again. Ask yourself is all of this something that would make past me disgusted or happy?"
They also had to sell me the harsh truth about all of my own stuff and put a mirror to my face about everything. "Everyone you love, cherish, adore, admire, respect, and more outside of this situation is waiting for you on the other side of this too. They're waiting for you to come back to yourself and them too. Don't keep them all waiting too long or it will be too late, but you know more than anyone father time is a thief."
I had truly hit rock bottom. I had over 6 people close to me die (some unexpectedly) over the course of 6 or so years. I had lost my dream job and had only a few hundred bucks left to my name at the end of 2020. I've hit challenges since but not the type of challenges I saw back then. I had to ask myself regularly if I had $100 left to may name, how would I spend that on myself? Would I spend it on food, drinks, makeup, a new outfit, recreational vices, or a reading? There are so many other choices to pursue, if you ask me now. However, back then it was hard to pick where to spend my money.
Once I started asking myself that every time I went to get a reading it normally stopped me from proceeding. I had to realize that if I continued this cycle I was digging myself into a hole I may never see myself crawl out of both financially and mentally. I was seeking answers and validation from other people because the person I needed that reassurance from was no where to be found and would not communicate with me at all. No matter how hard I tried. I knew it was time to give up but I didn't know how to fully.
I did this question for myself trick for about 6 months where every time I went to sign on and get another reading from whatever platform I wasn't banned from I put that money in savings. I also quit drinking and smoking for almost three years. I picked it back up for a short period of time again earlier this year but then stopped again this year for medical reasons. I found other ways to enjoy myself through healthier vices and found new people that welcomed me in with open arms not shunned or ignored me.
I took the savings I had from not getting readings for 6 months and started into therapy. I was ready to really do the healing work 3 months into sobriety because I was terrified of relapsing on everything once the euphoric recall and pink cloud had dissipated some for me. Best money spent for myself. I've had to work through and address all of it in therapy firsthand.
I personally live by this quote so often now and this is the mentality I have moved into from it all. "I hope when you come home to yourself, there are flowers lining the front porch, that were left from all the people you were before." - Maia (i changed it for more gender fluidity)
