Whew
I was so exhausted yesterday! For about 3 days I’ve been getting in line for an advisor and then listen to a Catholic inspirational talk… and then get out of the line, close my account, and cry to ground.
It is truly exhausting! My body feels tired and soul just feels like fighting.
It started to lift because I got some movement for work, as far as, paperwork goes. So I just submitted the paperwork- I reminded myself if I get this job it’s by the grace of God. Surrender. And if I don’t it’s by grace God to trust I will be provided for. Surrender
I then found some news about mutual friend/acquaintance who passed away who knows my current ex … ugh both my exes. 😑 And my heart is heavy because I don’t think I was liked much by this person, yet I wanted their approval so bad. I then learned about vanity: Vanity Is the inordinate preoccupation of what ppl think me… and that’s what I do with manifesting or psychics; try to figure out ppl actions, thoughts, intentions and fit myself to where I could fit… and that’s so exhausting too. My ppl pleasing I must admit have been vain efforts.
I reached out to friend to confess how this feel… they asked if I would use this as an excuse to reach out to any of my exes… and at first I definitely wanted to but I see now no. I didn’t even want to say anything but I felt to say something short to social community. I continue my prayers for this person who passed away, and loved ones who were touched by this person life. And again surrender
But it doesn’t feel heavy like yesterday
I don’t feel tempted to ask about funeral services, go fund me stuff, or ask if my exes will reach out … it hurts but I feel stronger that I can surrender a little bit more trust
I felt it was really important to share that YES how exhausting it is to quit, feel like I failed but try again.
To truly surrender my manifesting “wills”, and my reassurance with psychics. That I keep breaking and no it is not easy… but I do find peace focusing on the cross of Jesus and knowing that no I cannot do it alone; it is by God’s grace.
I truly believe my will and God’s are on the same coin of life; so when it seems like God says no it does not mean my desires do not matter God, or I am being punished, or it’s being taken away from me. It is to lean in, for God is truly close to brokenhearted. Your desires and mine are very precious to God, to let myself (and maybe you; if you’re open to) have God access all of it. So I again I give my will, my resentment, my vanity seeking, my joy, my shortcomings, my joy, my sadness, my love, my hate, my exhaustion and my strengths … again all of me, to God and trust in that grace.