Anyone up for one week pause?

[russianred]

I recently started learning about narcissists & something called "future faking" where they make all these promises to keep you tied in with them but except never follow through on any of it. Last night I told him that after all these things that have happened & what he put me through that I am no longer in love with him. In fact I'm battling hating him at the moment. He takes no responsibility & has no accountability for the pain that he has caused. It's much easier for him to project & push the load into others. The only way at this point I'd ever want to see or talk to him again is if he gives me a sincere & heartfelt apology. At this point however I'm not sure he's capable.

Rinny, I'm sorry about the debt.  It will take me several credit card cycles to completely pay off my January statement due to a binge.  The fact that it was over this guy makes me so sick.

I think actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder is quite rare, but I think that a lot of us have had experiences with men who say what feels good for them in the moment without having the will to back it up... who are self-centered, immature... yet there is something between us and the guys that still feels special and makes us call and wonder.  I will say I haven't really experienced the type of connection I felt with my guy before.  It makes me sad to walk away from that.  But what good is it if I'm constantly denying my own needs and anxious to the point of binging?

[russianred]

I know I want to update but I keep trying ... and I dunno what to say it just feels like rants.
I am resolved to move from ex though. I see my brain wants to villain-ize? him. One reader said he’s is seeing multiple ppl- that did make me feel better but not. “Well it’s her problem not mine” - ugh, I can’t even confirm that. All I know is I don’t like who I was when I was chasing him. And I’m done with being that person that pines for him, that calls psychics, that gets anxious... I just want to be done with that life... however, what I left here to pick up are unpaid bills, and no job, and crippling anxiety that wakes me at 3am. Trying to carry on... well I feel empty. Like I dunno if I like pizza anymore or hot chocolate- no, that a lie love those things... yet, something about me feels I’m not the same and what I liked before is well I dunno.
I have the no hope theory about my ex. Yet there is still one more psychic I do want to call... but I kinda feel what she may say... soooo if I know that then why bother? Save my money close the accounts.
Depressed but moving forward,
Pink

For me, viewing him as undesirable in light of all of his negative qualities he's displayed actually does help me to get some real fact-based (as opposed to emotion-based) perspective.  So if it helps you to do that or to villainize him, then go for it.

I know part of it is coming to terms with our own actions in all of this.  Like for me - how did I enable his self-centeredness for so long?  Was I "duped" with nice words that didn't line up to his actions?  How did think that binging was going to finally give me the ability to make sense of all of this?

The answer has been within us all along -- for many of us, the answer is that the man (or woman) simply is not able to give us what we need, at least right now.

[russianred]

I think when you get readings on people like that, the psychics see the future they promised us rather than the one that will actually happen. Whether they read it from the POI's mind, your mind, or maybe it's like it just becomes a thoughtform floating out there somewhere and they tap into it. The psychics don't know it is not a real future.

That's interesting!  Yes, that makes sense.

I looked up "future faking" and it sounds more "puppetmaster"-y than what I think my POI was doing (your mileage may vary).  I think it takes a true narcissist to consciously say things with absolutely no feelings behind them and an intent to get what he wants in the present.  In my situation, I think my guy DOES, on some level, mean what he says and WOULD like those things with me -- but lacks (at least as of February 1, 2020) the will to take certain steps to make said things happen.

[russianred]

For whatever reason (character flaw, weak, indecisive, continued third-party involvement, selfishness... it doesn't matter), he is unable to give me what I need.  For a long time I subconsciously saw that as a reflection on me.  "If I am just more understanding, then he will..." etc. But it's not.

I did the same thing. I thought if only I could be more this, more that, it would change things. I tried everything and nothing changed. He is who he is.

The sad thing is my ex told me he couldn't give me what I needed, and I didn't listen.

I'm glad if anything I say helps you and you are so welcome. That's what I stick around this forum for, I can't stand to see anyone else go through what I went through. I was stuck for so long and finding this forum ultimately helped me break out of the pattern.

Yes, your words have been tremendously helpful for me!  And honestly, my guy has told me that several times, too.  That I deserve better.  That he can't give me what I need right now.  He also says he hopes that at some point he will be able to be with me, but I cannot put my life on hold any longer.  It's not even just about dating other people, it's about this grip he's had on my brain and thoughts for months.  No more.

PS: I actually tried to send you a private message to elaborate on things a bit further and ask you a few things but it says you don't accept them.  Is that intentional?

[russianred]

I'm sorry, Pink.  Hopefully next week is better for you.

I really believe that letting go is something that you have to naturally come to and can't be forced.  Try not to call the best you can.  I slip up too... but try to use whatever line works best for you -- he isn't spending money on psychics about me, I don't have the money for this, frequent reads might actually be impeding progress...

[russianred]

I don't have borderline personality disorder, but I struggle with other things and can relate to the EXTREME emotional reactions that come with BPD.

The "checking in" is an anxiety response in order to try to get "ahead" of what we assume will be bad news.  I get that too.

Congrats on a good interview and holding off from calling for a few days.  One day at a time.

[russianred]

One thing I've been doing is forcing myself to take a pause before I get a reading.  Usually it's an impulse that will pass if I say "let me wait for 10 minutes" before deciding.