I've had a bit of an awareness on why/how I got so strung out on irrationally throwing my money away on readings.
It's not even so much about predictions.
It's about trying to 'feel' his aliveness in my life.
I missed him so desperately. And his signal has been cut off so profoundly, as if he is in some stark, distant outpost on the other side of the galaxy.
So the contradictory muddled messages from psychics acted as my morse code of his living.
I think this last heartbreak really was devastating to me unlike anything I'd experienced before.
The love happened upon me--and to him, he said--so unexpectedly, late in life for us both, that we were caught up in a tornado of kindredness, chemistry, depth, sheer joy, to be together.
Shocked and happy to be so 'linked". Even after being together for sometime, he'd spontaneously call and say "I can't wait to see you!" He was my Prince.
I loved him so much, our eyes locked when we'd dance, fast or slow--almost transcendent, it was crazy. It traveled all over.
His frequent easy, infectious laugh I loved, his wit, we were kids, we would fall down laughing. We'd adore each other. BEST friends.
We talked about everything.
The sex was so exciting, so connected and so close it was almost scary in its intimacy.
His eyes only for me, and my eyes only for him, he said he'd never 'let me go'...we were together in love so deep "always and forever"---flowers almost every day--we'd sing in the car, we'd sing in bed, we'd hike, we'd boat, we'd ramble around in wacky exploring, we'd delve into faith-based and intellectual discovery. about everything.
We were lively, we'd share projects, creativity, discuss strategies for and about each of our work. We'd try to give each other 'soft landings' when things got challenging.
Miraculously, we'd found 'our person'. This late in life.
And then like a deadening, unrelenting, obliterating storm, it was GONE. In a blink of the eye it swept across the landscape and nothing was left standing.
It was ripped away so suddenly, so inexplicably, it felt like I was demolished at the cellular level.
I did not chase him, it was too ephemeral to try and cling to. How could I force soap bubbles to stay in my hands?
I had no power to alter anything.
His extinguishing of it made no sense. But he made a searing, icy, industrialized choice to kill it.
So.
After 18 months of a few fits and starts at some vague, hollow, ghost-like reconnections mostly by him, contact is now dried up.
I think I sought our these readers as my sad way of 'speaking' to him.
Maintaining a thread to the one I felt was part of me.
I labored in a sad delusion.
I won't ever chase him.
That would be the saddest, most rock bottom delusion of all.
He is an iridescent beautiful fleeting soap bubble no longer in existence.
Maybe it was never meaningful to him, maybe it wasn't what he said, how he behaved.
Maybe he was playing a part in a movie in his head, entertaining himself. Maybe he just got bored and wanted to change the channel.
Maybe I will never know.
But I would be extending my pain, my 'emotional illness" trying to clutch at what does not appear to exist any longer.
I have to move on.
But I miss him so much.
I wanted to feel him. His "soul".
So I put myself here, addicted to the very unsound filter/frequency of psychics--like a ham radio with a broken transmission, in a desperate attempt to feel him close.
I'm changing now.
Life does find a way.
Even though hearts will never quite be the same.
I'm determined to have a good life and hopefully find love again.
I'm going to stop the bleeding of my money.
It's self destructive, killing me.
I am going to ditch the sadness, unblock the sustaining river of joy and possibilities and 'fake it til I make it'.
With God and all that is vibrant in life, I know this is the way back.