Red Flags That You Are Dealing With A Toxic Person

[Miss Philosopher]

I just felt really compelled to create this post because I think many of us may be dealing with the following type of people and if so, it may be time to move on because it's highly probable that it is a pattern that won't change. We then need to check our levels of self esteem. I feel like many of us are putting up with a lot of things that we don't deserve. Better to be alone than with someone who constantly causes us pain right? The following list is taken from the book "Psychopath Free: Recovering from emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and other toxic people" by Jackson MacKenzie. This book has been helping me tremendously.

1. Gaslighting and Crazy Making: They blatantly deny their own manipulative behavior and ignore evidence when confronted with it. They may become dismissive and critical if you attempt to disprove their fabrications with facts. Instead of them actually addressing their inappropriate behavior, somehow it always becomes your fault for being "sensitive" and "crazy". Toxic people condition you to believe that the problem isn't the abuse itself, but instead your reactions to their abuse.

2. Not capable of putting themselves in your shoes, or anyone else's for that matter: You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly or have no real response. You slowly learn not to communicate your feelings with them, because you're usually met with silence or annoyance.

3.The ultimate hypocrite: "Do as I say not as I do". They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, criticize, and manipulate. But you are expected to remain perfect, otherwise you will promptly be replaced and deemed unstable.

4. Pathological lying and excuses: There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don't require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They constantly blame others - it's never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it. Even when caught in a lie, they express no remorse or embarrassment. Oftentimes, it almost seems as if they wanted you to catch them. They will then accuse you of lying and/or doing the same as they do in an attempt to justify their behavior. It's almost like they WANT you to be like them so then they don't have to be accountable for their own behaviors and can simply say "Well you did it too".

5. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own: If they're two hours late, don't forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their inappropriate behavior, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you. You might begin to adopt perfectionist qualities, very aware that any mistake can and will be used against you.

6. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man or woman: Normal people understand fundamental concepts like honesty and kindness. Psychopaths and toxic people often appear to be childlike and innocent, but don't let this mask fool you. No adult should need to be told how he or she is making other people feel.

7. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention: They drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is; no one can fill the voice of a psychopath or toxic person's soul.

8. Accuses you of feeling emotions that they are intentionally provoking: They call you jealous after blatantly flirting with an ex or someone else new - often done over social networking for the entire world to see. They call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for days on end. They use your manufactured reactions to garner sympathy from other targets, trying to prove how "hysterical" you've become. You probably once considered yourself to be an exceptionally easygoing person, but an encounter with a psychopath or toxic person will (temporarily) turn that notion upside down.

9. You find yourself playing detective: It's never happened in any other relationship other than if you were dealing with a previous toxic person, but suddenly you're investigating the person you once trusted unconditionally. If they're active on Facebook, you start scrolling back years on their posts and albums. Same with their ex's page. You're seeking answers to a feeling you can't quite explain.

10. You are the only one who sees their true colors: No matter what they do, they always seem to have a fan club cheering for them. The psychopath uses these people for money, resources, and attention - but the fan club won't notice, because this person strategically distracts them with shallow praise. Psychopaths and toxic people are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than relationships.

11. You fear that any fight could be your last: Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their own behavior. Any of your attempts to improve communication will typically result in the silent treatment. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they'll lose interest in you.

12. Slowly and steadily erodes your boundaries: They criticize you with a condescending, and even sometimes joking sort of attitude. They smirk when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and abilities. If you point this out, they call you sensitive and crazy. You might begin to feel resentful and upset, but you learn to push away those feelings in favor of maintaining the peace.

13. They withhold attention and undermine your self esteem: After once showering you with nonstop attention and admiration, they suddenly seem completely bored by you. They treat you with silence, a lot of times also becoming very distant, and become very annoyed that you're interested in continuing the passionate relationship that THEY created. You begin to feel like a chore to them.

14. They expect you to read their mind: If they stop communicating with you for several days, it's your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be an excuse that makes them out to be the victim to go along with this. They make important decisions about the relationship and they inform everyone else BUT you.

15. You feel on edge around this person, but you still want them to like you or love you: You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you're in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don't seem to care when you leave their side - they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy or for whatever needs they may have.

16. An unusual number of "crazy" people in their past: Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, emotionally unstable, having anger issues, or some other nasty smear. Make no mistake; they will speak about you the same way to their next target.

17. Provokes jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence: They once directed all of their attention to you, which makes it especially confusing when they begin to withdraw and focus on other people. They do things that constantly make you doubt your place in their heart. If they're active on social media, they'll bait previously denounced exes with old songs, photos, and inside jokes, or they will bait a new target of interest. They attend to the "competition's" activity and ignore yours.

18. Idealization, love-bombing, and flattery: When you first meet, things move extremely fast. They tell you how much they have in common with you - how perfect you are for them. Like a chameleon, they mirror your hopes, dreams, and insecurities in order to form an immediate bond of trust and excitement. They constantly initiate communication and seem to be fascinated with you on every level. If you have a Facebook page, they might plaster it with songs, compliments, poems, and inside jokes, or like most of your posts, maybe tag you in posts as well. Then suddenly, it all stops after the idealization phase ends.

19. Compares you to everyone else in their life: They compare you to ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to make you feel jealous and inferior.

20. The qualities they once claimed to admire about you suddenly become glaring faults: At first, they appeal to your deepest vanities and vulnerabilities, observing, and mimicking exactly what they think you want to hear. But after you're hooked, they start to use these things against you. You spend more and more time trying to prove your self worthy to the very same person who once said you were perfect.

21. Cracks in their mask: There are fleeting moments when the charming, cute, innocent persona is replaced by something else entirely. You see a side to them that never came out during the idealization phase, and it is a side that's cold, inconsiderate, and manipulative. You start to notice that their personality just doesn't add up - that the person you fell in love with doesn't actually seem to exist.

22. Easily bored: They are constantly surrounded by other people, stimulated and praised at all times. They can't tolerate being alone for an extended period of time. They become quickly uninterested by anything that doesn't directly impact them in a positive or thrilling way. At first, you might think they're exciting, and worldly, and you feel inferior for preferring familiarity and consistency.

23. Triangulation: They surround themselves with former lovers, or potential mats, and anyone else who provides them with added attention. This includes people that the psychopath may have previously denounced and declared you superior to. This makes you feel confused and creates the perception that the psychopath is in high demand at all times.

24. Covert abuse: From an early age, most of us were taught to identify physical mistreatment and blatant verbal insults, but with psychopaths, the abuse is not so obvious. You likely won't even understand that you were in an abusive relationship until long after it's over. Through personalized idealization and subtle devaluation, a psychopath can effectively erode the identity of ANY chosen target. From an outsider's perspective, you will appear to have "lost it", while the psychopath calmly walks away, completely unscathed.

25. Pity plays and sympathy stories: Their bad behavior always has sob story roots. They claim to behave this way because of an abusive ex, an abusive parent, or an abusive cat. They say that all they've ever wanted is some peace and quiet. They say they hate drama - and yet there's more drama surrounding them than anyone you've ever known.

26. The mean and sweet cycle: Sometimes they shower you with attention, sometimes they ignore you, sometimes they criticize you. They treat you differently in public than they do behind closed doors. They could be talking about marriage one day and breaking up the next day. You never know where you stand with them. They put forth as little effort as possible and then step it up when you try to disengage.

27. This person becomes your entire life: You're spending more of your time with them and their friends, and less time with your own support network. They're all you think and talk about anymore. You isolate yourself in order to make sure you're available for them. You cancel plans and eagerly wait by the phone for their next communication. For some reason, the relationship seems to involve a lot of sacrifices on your end, but very few if any on theirs.

28. Arrogance: Despite the humble, sweet image they presented in the early stages, you start to notice an unmistakable air of superiority about them. They talk down to you as if you are intellectually deficient and emotionally unstable. They have no shame when it comes to flaunting new targets after the breakup, ensuring that you see how happy they are without you. There are also some of them that will hide their new target if they still feel they have a need for you for something, but once that need is not longer there, they too will disappear.

29. Backstabbing gossip and changes on a whim: They plant little seeds of poison, whispering about everyone, idealizing them to their face, and then complaining about them behind their backs. You find yourself disliking or resenting people you've never even met. For some reason, you might even feel special for being the one that he or she complains to. But once the relationship turns sour, they'll run back to everyone they once insulted to you, lamenting about how crazy you've become.

30. Your feelings: Your natural love and compassion has transformed into overwhelming panic and anxiety. You apologize and cry more than you ever have in your life. You barely sleep, and you wake up every morning feeling anxious and unhinged. You have no idea what happened to your old relaxed, fun, easygoing self. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, and empty. You tear apart your entire life - spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.

"You will find that normal, loving people do not raise any of these red flags. After an encounter with a psychopath, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: Who can really be trusted? Your gauge will swing back and forth for a while, like a volatile pendulum. You will wonder if you've gone absolutely mad - wanting to believe the best in an old friend or a new date, but feeling sick to your stomach when you actually spend time with them because you're waiting for the manipulative behavior to start."

There's so much more but for the sake of time and space, I will leave it at that. I hope this may help some of you gain some clarity, heal, and rebuild yourself again stronger than before. Much love and blessings to you all <3

[sawthelight]

great post!  my first POI would actually try to make me feel bad about my own normal reactions to his dysfunction.  Sick.  Number 8 really rings a bell for me.

[Miss Philosopher]

I'm really sorry you had to experience that. I posted this because I went through every single one of those things on that list with my current ex and I felt so horrible for years. It's been a huge struggle to heal but I'm healing and this book has done wonders for me and helped me so much. I wanted to share this with others hoping they can avoid going through these hells. Blessings to you hun <3

[sawthelight]

same to you, thanks for sharing!  I follow a few pages on instagram about narcissist awareness and it's amazing how I can relate to so many of the posts.

this is one of them:

https://www.instagram.com/narcopath__awareness/

[dascallie]

Super!

[Miss Philosopher]

same to you, thanks for sharing!  I follow a few pages on instagram about narcissist awareness and it's amazing how I can relate to so many of the posts.

this is one of them:

https://www.instagram.com/narcopath__awareness/

Just visited that instagram and wow...........thank you for sharing. I'm definitely following!

[sawthelight]

same to you, thanks for sharing!  I follow a few pages on instagram about narcissist awareness and it's amazing how I can relate to so many of the posts.

this is one of them:

https://www.instagram.com/narcopath__awareness/

Just visited that instagram and wow...........thank you for sharing. I'm definitely following!

OMG I know!  you're welcome!  I can relate to everything on there.  Really makes you think.  and when I have a moment of weakness I re-read.

It's so true that the only way to deal with those blood sucking parasites is NO CONTACT.  literally the only way to regain your sanity.

[sawthelight]

I've personally seen very self-confident, bad ass women be torn apart by narcissistic, toxic men.  It doesn't matter how you are when you meet them, it's more how they weasel their way in and try to destroy a person.  At the end of the day, i agree with you though, the stronger you are, the less you will fall victim to these types. 

I certainly am not the the type to be manipulated by a man or anyone really but that first guy really threw me for a loop and that's why I got sucked into psychic readings in the first place.  Kind of like "am I nuts" type thing..why am I putting myself through this?  I KNOW better.

While it's always good to be strong and self assured, unfortunately a lot of the time, these men prey on women like this.  How you react is key.  I don't put up with any BS anymore..

[Miss Philosopher]

Honestly, the stronger women are exactly what the narcs and psychopaths prefer. That's a challenge for them. They want to control that which appears to not be able to be controlled. They love it when they can break a strong woman. They don't tend to target weak women. They tend to target those with at least average self esteem, independent, but at the same time those that have a good heart. They like to target the outgoing, fun loving folks.

However, on the flip side of that, there are definitely some that look for the easily influenced weaker individuals that are already psychologically damaged big time. There seems to be different types of these toxic cluster B personality types.

Me personally, I considered myself pretty damn strong due to all the shit I've been through when I met this guy. I was also his "favorite person" in the beginning when we were just friends. He came to me with all his problems, making himself out to be the victim of everyone, even the universe he used to say was conspiring against him. LOL. Nevertheless, it's when you start getting involved on a more intimate level is when they really start to deceive. You don't even know it's happening, or else you feel something is off but somehow they convince you to ignore it and make you feel like you're just paranoid because of your past bad experiences. These people are genius at the art of manipulation and deceit. Before you know it, you're completely destroyed and have nooooooooooo idea what happened to the person that you previously referred to as "yourself".

It's hard. It's so damn hard.

[ladya]

Honestly, the stronger women are exactly what the narcs and psychopaths prefer. That's a challenge for them. They want to control that which appears to not be able to be controlled. They love it when they can break a strong woman. They don't tend to target weak women. They tend to target those with at least average self esteem, independent, but at the same time those that have a good heart. They like to target the outgoing, fun loving folks.

However, on the flip side of that, there are definitely some that look for the easily influenced weaker individuals that are already psychologically damaged big time. There seems to be different types of these toxic cluster B personality types.

Me personally, I considered myself pretty damn strong due to all the shit I've been through when I met this guy. I was also his "favorite person" in the beginning when we were just friends. He came to me with all his problems, making himself out to be the victim of everyone, even the universe he used to say was conspiring against him. LOL. Nevertheless, it's when you start getting involved on a more intimate level is when they really start to deceive. You don't even know it's happening, or else you feel something is off but somehow they convince you to ignore it and make you feel like you're just paranoid because of your past bad experiences. These people are genius at the art of manipulation and deceit. Before you know it, you're completely destroyed and have nooooooooooo idea what happened to the person that you previously referred to as "yourself".

It's hard. It's so damn hard.

I could see that. Im sorry you went through that :/

[sawthelight]

I've personally seen very self-confident, bad ass women be torn apart by narcissistic, toxic men.  It doesn't matter how you are when you meet them, it's more how they weasel their way in and try to destroy a person.  At the end of the day, i agree with you though, the stronger you are, the less you will fall victim to these types. 

I certainly am not the the type to be manipulated by a man or anyone really but that first guy really threw me for a loop and that's why I got sucked into psychic readings in the first place.  Kind of like "am I nuts" type thing..why am I putting myself through this?  I KNOW better.

While it's always good to be strong and self assured, unfortunately a lot of the time, these men prey on women like this.  How you react is key.  I don't put up with any BS anymore..

i agree there's exceptions to all situations and its not one size fits all but the more firm in who you are, its more work for them. People like these are not as easily manipulated. Of course anyone could be given a situation but women with low self-esteem are much easier to manipulate because they don't know who they are. Plus there are a lot of people who appear to be self-confident or play it off really well but in actuality aren't. Breaking someone down and then building them up into a puppet is much more effort than someone who is already broken down to begin with. There's a lot of things to be considered in these types of situations. I've def encountered men of this type throughout my life but they mostly find me intriguing and then they realize they can't do much with me so they fall away. But i must admit i find the human psyche fascinating, always have and sometimes i enjoy speaking to them just to get inside their mind and their thought patterns.

LOL I know what you mean!  I definitely think first POI found me intriguing because i was different than a lot of women he normally dealt with.

[Miss Philosopher]

I agree that narcissists become narcissists due to their upbringing. I do feel bad for them and I also believe there is help for them, should they choose to seek it out. My current ex has a very narcissistic mother who is shallow and really cold and distant emotionally. His father is also very narcissistic but he's a bum that lives off of others. He's what I like to call an "opportunist". My ex has had zero guidance and was basically left to his own devices. The only thing his mother did was enable his lazy behavior by spoiling the shit out of him materially. Now he just constantly looks for others to support him in every way and his an extremely unhealthy need for attention that is definitely insatiable and he becomes bored with people and things so fast that he can't even hold down a job for longer than a few months.

It's really said and I am the type that will call a person out on things and so him and I just fought like all the time because I'd constantly be calling him out on stuff, but at the same time, I loved him dearly so I got to the point where I stopped saying anything at all just to have things go smoothly but then he'd create situations that he knew I'd react to.

Since I've been really distancing myself and not being the same way, he's now back with this confuckling behavior sending me mixed messages. It's exhausting and it's hard to break free from because you still always think "what if he's not full of shit and really does have feelings but just doesn't know how to behave correctly"...............I hate the cycle and trying to break free of it but it's been hard to accept that he's never going to change because I really do believe that people can and do change if they choose to do so. It's hard to accept that some never will.

[sawthelight]

I agree that narcissists become narcissists due to their upbringing. I do feel bad for them and I also believe there is help for them, should they choose to seek it out. My current ex has a very narcissistic mother who is shallow and really cold and distant emotionally. His father is also very narcissistic but he's a bum that lives off of others. He's what I like to call an "opportunist". My ex has had zero guidance and was basically left to his own devices. The only thing his mother did was enable his lazy behavior by spoiling the shit out of him materially. Now he just constantly looks for others to support him in every way and his an extremely unhealthy need for attention that is definitely insatiable and he becomes bored with people and things so fast that he can't even hold down a job for longer than a few months.

It's really said and I am the type that will call a person out on things and so him and I just fought like all the time because I'd constantly be calling him out on stuff, but at the same time, I loved him dearly so I got to the point where I stopped saying anything at all just to have things go smoothly but then he'd create situations that he knew I'd react to.

Since I've been really distancing myself and not being the same way, he's now back with this confuckling behavior sending me mixed messages. It's exhausting and it's hard to break free from because you still always think "what if he's not full of shit and really does have feelings but just doesn't know how to behave correctly"...............I hate the cycle and trying to break free of it but it's been hard to accept that he's never going to change because I really do believe that people can and do change if they choose to do so. It's hard to accept that some never will.

You sound like a good person and like you've given this guy lots of chances.  The thing is a narcissist isn't capable of feeling much and will never be able to give back the same love/caring you give to them.  I am not saying your guy def is one, but just in general, this is how the operate.  When they do feel things, it scares the crap out of them because it's so alien to them.  this is not normal though!

I would say wait and see if he proves to you that he changed and has good intentions.  Don't give more than you get, ever. 

[Miss Philosopher]

You sound like a good person and like you've given this guy lots of chances.  The thing is a narcissist isn't capable of feeling much and will never be able to give back the same love/caring you give to them.  I am not saying your guy def is one, but just in general, this is how the operate.  When they do feel things, it scares the crap out of them because it's so alien to them.  this is not normal though!

I would say wait and see if he proves to you that he changed and has good intentions.  Don't give more than you get, ever.



I very much so appreciate your kind words. This dude is DEFINITELY a narcissist. Big time. But he's a covert narcissist. Those kind are capable of feeling guilt and such. However, all of his behavior is very self serving. I know he has an attachment to me in that I'm a safety net, a comfort zone, the stability that he cannot create for himself. However, that is not love. That's me being used. I think he confused attachment with love. I know we are connected on some strange soul level as well but nope. I've been doing this with him for 5 years now. Usually the break ups are just short lived but this time around it's been about 8 months but contact has still been kept. This time around he really thought his relocation plan was going to work, and so far, it has because of his mommy funding him. But he knows that won't last forever, so me knowing him, he's trying to create a back up situation to stay in the state he's in, but just in case that doesn't work, he needs me to be available to him so he can come back here again.........for the 5th time. That's why he has verbally expressed to me it would make him so "crazy" should I get involved in another relationship.........but at the same time he hasn't point blank mentioned reconciling, which is fine cause at this point I don't want to anyway. That's what I mean. Mind games and self serving everything with this dude. It's just so hard to like break the cycle because I do want to remain friends but he won't settle for just friends but yet won't give anything else. LOL. It's a mind fuck.

So what makes me most sad is, that we can't even be friends and I will have to cut him off completely at some point soon. I care about his life and I hate that he is the way he is at 36 years old, couch surfing, completely unstable and all over the place and nothing he ever does his own way ever works out. It's just constant destruction of his own self and his own life and that's really hard to watch. Grrrrrrr. I wish I never met him.

[sawthelight]

OMG I’ve been there. And you are just delaying the inevitable unfortunately...I did the same. I thought I could be his friend. I couldn’t. Had to walk away completely for my own sanity.