Here's the thing. Your guy is really really young. I believe everyone has the potential to change pending their life experiences etc. He still has a lot of life yet to live and I'm not going to say he won't or can't change. Psychics cannot tell us if someone will ever change or not. It's not a fair assumption. However, it really might take a very long time for changes to occur.
Yes, both are the same star signs and unfortunately that particular star sign is prone to selfishness and emotional unavailability as well as very slow progress as far as maturity goes. However, both have the choice to reflect and change some stuff but other stuff is just part of who they are. I wouldn't be able to tell you which part is which though lol. Like my dad was the same star sign as our POIs, but he was super generous, very very loyal, worked his ass off and was never a leech. He wasn't a cheater either. However, his temper was disgusting and he was very abusive and emotionally over the top selfish. My boss is another one that is the same star sign as our POIs, he's married and has been for 20 years, no kids, refuses to get divorced, he's an attorney with his own business, however, he has constant affairs. He says he doesn't love his wife but won't get divorced cause "she might kill herself" but really, it's because he's a divorce attorney and knows she'll take him to the cleaner financially so he's sooooooooo selfish that he will stay married, keep his wife miserable, and just have affairs. He also has expectations in these affairs in that he wants the mistress to be faithful and be emotionally invested all whilst he remains married. His insanity and flawed logic is derived from his over the top selfishness. Selfishness is truly blinding.
I think there's a fine line between NPD and just plain out super selfish. If someone is going out to purposely harm another and just uses the hell out of you purposely and intentionally, then yeah, that's NPD. However, if a person is simply sooooooo selfish and because of their selfishness, they make selfish decisions which causes hurt and pain on others, but it isn't with the direct intent on purposely hurting you to make themselves feel better, then I don't think that's NPD. I think that's more of a "character disorder" and they are just on the extreme end of selfishness. I think that's the case in your case. I also think that's the case with mine. I don't feel intuitively that it's purposeful or intentional, I just think said person is over the top selfish. I've seen another humanitarian side to said person a lot of times. And, I'm sure you've seen a giving nature in yours. Narcs aren't giving in any way, shape, or form.
I actually do think that my ex has alot of NPD, I've done alot of research on it when a reader called my POI it once and I didn't know the meaning of the word. He matched up to almost all of them except cheating. He has hurt me alot and the way he hasn't shown any remorse for his actions says alot to me. I also notice a pattern with him from his last relationship before me and my relationship with him. He is always self victimising and it was all her fault, he was so good he did no wrong he is a really good partner. He hates admitting fault for things and for him to not come forward and apologise or check I'm okay after how things were last left is a reflector that he probably won't change in that area of never admitting to being wrong. That is unhealthy and an eggshell type of guy right there. I'm slowly realising now I'm moving on. Everything is always someone else's fault. Whether it's his Mum. Dad. Partner. The pet cat or dog or parrot or neighbour. It's never his fault. He could commit a murder and have blood on his hands and he would say someone framed him..
Something that he did which is classic narcissistic behaviour is deflecting. So he would say for example, poor me. My ex was controlling with me, she didn't allow me to talk to any female friends and made me block them, I bought her some jewellery and it wasn't the right colour so she got mad. Well in our relationship he began to show signs like that with me. I have spoken to a reader who told me that this guy until he gets major help will not change and he's going to drag anyone down who comes into his life with him until he gets some serious therapy. She also picked up on his defective "it wasn't me" behaviour.
I was seeing a guy last year at a bad time. I won't go into details here but the guy hurt me and a month later he came back to apologise to me a month later for his actions. With this man, I never got that and he did cause me alot of hurt. And with saying sorry, you don't always have to say the words you're sorry. You can do things around it like send a text asking how someone is and acting like nothing has happened (which is what my ex did), if you owe them something to return it, and other ways around saying sorry like that. He probably is mostly immature, but I think alot of his behaviour is set in him. Even Kisha said there is something in his personality but she isn't sure what... Jealous and possessive people very rarely change. And people with low self esteem. I always will have a low self esteem even if I get married to the most handsome man with the loveliest house and lots of money. I am a firm believer that your childhood makes you. So if you have a shitty childhood, I think alot of the behaviour will set with the person like in your and our POI's case. Almost everyone I've met has got issued to this day because of how tough their childhood was. I think it's very easy to say to someone as a reader that the guy is immature and is that and this. Likewise I don't think all behaviour can be blamed on immaturity, I think lots of it is down to personality. I also think it can be dangerous when a woman could be dealing with a abusive guy for them to tell her he's just going through an immature phase. I think it is very hard (unless a psychologist) to determine if it's immaturity or set in them.
The reason I say immaturity at this point, is because he's very very young. It would be unfair of me to say that he'll remain the same forever because I don't know that. I'm also not a psychologist that has interviewed this person or attempted to treat him lol. I had a really really shitty childhood, was in foster homes, beaten, kidnapped and raped by two strangers, all kinds of things that I won't post here. However, I made a choice to not succumb to my past. I've made every effort to heal and become better than that. I did not inflict any kind of verbal and emotional abuse onto my son, which I went through daily. I stopped that cycle. Do I have some residual issues from my past? Absolutely. But I chose not to become the alcoholic, drug addict, criminal, depressed 24/7 etc. I wanted to be better than that and use my pain for the good of others. It's like two kids who both grow up in the same household with alcoholic parents. One grows up to be a drug addict and alcoholic and the other becomes a successful business owner. We all have choices. As for narcs, I've researched a lot on them as well and they CAN be helped with extensive psychotherapy. Unfortunately, most don't get that help though. I try to look at things fairly. Yes there are some that cannot be helped because proper help is not sought after. There are some that do get helped.
You said you recognized the same sort of patterns in his past relationship and he victimized himself. Mine did the same in his 10 year marriage. He made his ex wife out to be a monster. That is until I read through tons of emails between them because I was curious what lead to the divorce. He had the same exact patterns and habits in his marriage that he has displayed with me over the last 5 years. This is what tells me he's probably not going to ever change until he loses everything and everyone and even then he still may not ever change and just think he's a victim and that nobody wants to be with him, as Kisha told me he would lol. She said he recognized some of his shitty behaviors but was too lazy to make any changes. I guess that makes sense because he hasn't been FORCED to make any changes cause he always has someone there helping him. He's gotta be living out of his car with nothing to get it I think, but even then, he has a sense of entitlement rather than gratitude. Idk. It's all way too much stress than it's worth anymore. Maybe you really did dodge a bullet as stilltired said.
We will always carry parts from our childhood whether we realise it or not. For example you could feel like the strongest person in the world, but without realising it could be scared of violence and something within you sets off an alarm bell when you see fighting, you could be really defensive and quick to get angry or to argue because it's a form of protection (I'm not saying these are you, it's an example), allowing men to abuse and treat them abhorrently.. Of course everything that happens to us builds us. It's all about subconscious and we don't even realise we are doing it. We all have faults within us, like flaws. Perhaps some of those flaws are caused by what happened to us in our childhood.
I have to say to be very very honest that I find it very concerning that the readers told you that your guy isn't abusive or bad and he's just selfish. That's worrying because from things you've said on the board and to me, it's clear abuse. And for readers to say "oh poor him, he's going through alot right now" - they shouldn't make excuses for his behaviour like they did with me. So lots of women probably are in abusive relationships without really realising it..
I agree with you. That's why I'm currently studying the subconscious and ways to change it lol. I don't know if it will work but I'm gonna give it a shot. Yes, I do have certain defense mechanisms still at play from my past. I have massive trust problems, like to the extreme. I also do have temper problems even though I've chilled out a lot from what I used to be, it's still there and comes up from time to time. So, you're right. I just believe stuff can be healed and changed, maybe not every last piece of it, but some of it at least. Kisha told me he's super selfish, but means well, but just isn't in a position to change his life and that he's not serving any purpose for my highest good. Shelly straight up calls him a narc and continuously asks me wtf I want anything to do with him. Lol. Aliza, she also said he's got narc tendencies. My biggest problem to my own demise is, for whatever stupid reason, I keep thinking I can help change people. I do live in denial at times. I admit that. I try my best to snap into reality. It just takes me some time.
Unfortunately, it's hard to change a person, let alone a narc (which is almost impossible). A narcissist has to realise that they are one with the issues, and they never do. They have to realise that they're the problem, and it's always someone else's fault - but don't you dare say it's theirs. I can't believe I'm saying this, But Shelly is talking sense to you, there.
Yeah I know she is. It just takes me time to let go of the fantasy I built in my head. To let go of the hopes, dreams, ideas, that I had. 5 years is a long time. All the signs were there but I really thought it all had to do with the location issue. However, since he's left this last time and been gone 7 months and it really looked like it was going to work out this time thanks to his narc mother, I got to see what it's really been all about. The other times he left, it was like obvious and a given it would fail and he was only gone for 2 to 3 months each time and he had no help. Like I said, this time, it was like a guarantee he'd remain there for a long time but as soon as the help stops, he's fucked unless he finds some female to get involved with and live with before it runs out but I have a feeling it's about to run out very very soon. Like, within the next couple months and now he can't even work because he has health problems (the hernia) and still hasn't scheduled a surgery for it and has no insurance to pay for it. I see how things are about to turn out, just as everyone said it would. However, if someone really loves you, distance isn't going to interfere, especially after 5 years of being together, because he could have visited me the same as he had visited his kids in the past (albeit not often) and he could have waited for me to relocate IF that's what I decided to do. There would have been SOME way to work it out. So, he did me a favor by showing me this. I will thank him for it someday.
