So what is it really all about?

[jhuskindle]

I do think psychics can prolong this process by elongating the period where you still have hope. If you have someone you believe is plugged into the absolute divine/energetic forces of this universe telling you, this is still going to happen, there's still hope for this -- then you may not arrive at the rock bottom point where one day you wake up and you're ready to move on, for much longer than if this divine messenger hadn't entered the picture.

I only disagree because you will have hope regardless of what a reader says, when it comes to intense love connection. Especially for people who do not love often. A few people told me he would not be back, I just laughed. It wouldnt matter if they had been right, no one accepts the loss of hope until they are ready.

"I agree. When someone dies, the grieving process is normal and it's seen as normal. When a long, strong bond with a partner who you've been very intimate with and shared lots of your life with ends, you're expected to get over it and move on. That can be difficult." -This so much. Not only that, but they are still alive so hope can be alive, further, even if the time together was short, a lot of us go through life NEVER experiencing love on a level to get a reading about. And that's great for them, but when you do, especially if you date or fall in love infrequently, this can be just as hard at 2 months or 5 years to lose. It's not even about losing the connection, half the time it's the "what if". And this is a coping mechanism, part of the grieving process. Plus it's nice to hear you will get that job you wanted, in the midst of grieving love lost or what not.

Now this said I have outstanding list of psychics not just in love. And those are true gems, and worth the mucking around in the cold reader sections to find. I won't ever stop getting yearly readings or path readings, I like to get new ideas and see whats coming!

[star1]

I do think psychics can prolong this process by elongating the period where you still have hope. If you have someone you believe is plugged into the absolute divine/energetic forces of this universe telling you, this is still going to happen, there's still hope for this -- then you may not arrive at the rock bottom point where one day you wake up and you're ready to move on, for much longer than if this divine messenger hadn't entered the picture.

I only disagree because you will have hope regardless of what a reader says, when it comes to intense love connection. Especially for people who do not love often. A few people told me he would not be back, I just laughed. It wouldnt matter if they had been right, no one accepts the loss of hope until they are ready.

"I agree. When someone dies, the grieving process is normal and it's seen as normal. When a long, strong bond with a partner who you've been very intimate with and shared lots of your life with ends, you're expected to get over it and move on. That can be difficult." -This so much. Not only that, but they are still alive so hope can be alive, further, even if the time together was short, a lot of us go through life NEVER experiencing love on a level to get a reading about. And that's great for them, but when you do, especially if you date or fall in love infrequently, this can be just as hard at 2 months or 5 years to lose. It's not even about losing the connection, half the time it's the "what if". And this is a coping mechanism, part of the grieving process. Plus it's nice to hear you will get that job you wanted, in the midst of grieving love lost or what not.

Now this said I have outstanding list of psychics not just in love. And those are true gems, and worth the mucking around in the cold reader sections to find. I won't ever stop getting yearly readings or path readings, I like to get new ideas and see whats coming!

What I'm saying is when two people breakup, they're expected to get over it and have to accept it and move on. Bonds can be strong if not stronger than a loved one who passes on. I've been closer to exes than most family members. Of course when my parents die, I'll be in bits.. I don't know how to word this. But I find someone passing less painful *in certain ways*. It hurts to know that your ex and you are still alive and moving on having different lives.. When a loved one passes on, I don't know how to explain but the agonising part is you'll never get to see them again.. But you won't see your ex again even if they're alive. They're practically no longer existant in your life. So it's like a death in my eyes, too. Most of us are on here because we didn't get closure and can't accept that it's really over. We refuse to hear it - just like a death.

[jhuskindle]

What I'm saying is when two people breakup, they're expected to get over it and have to accept it and move on. Bonds can be strong if not stronger than a loved one who passes on. I've been closer to exes than most family members. Of course when my parents die, I'll be in bits.. I don't know how to word this. But I find someone passing less painful *in certain ways*. It hurts to know that your ex and you are still alive and moving on having different lives.. When a loved one passes on, I don't know how to explain but the agonising part is you'll never get to see them again.. But you won't see your ex again even if they're alive. They're practically no longer existant in your life. So it's like a death in my eyes, too. Most of us are on here because we didn't get closure and can't accept that it's really over. We refuse to hear it - just like a death.

Exactly. And after grief comes anger, then moving forward. So the angry posts here are part of the process as well.

[star1]

What I'm saying is when two people breakup, they're expected to get over it and have to accept it and move on. Bonds can be strong if not stronger than a loved one who passes on. I've been closer to exes than most family members. Of course when my parents die, I'll be in bits.. I don't know how to word this. But I find someone passing less painful *in certain ways*. It hurts to know that your ex and you are still alive and moving on having different lives.. When a loved one passes on, I don't know how to explain but the agonising part is you'll never get to see them again.. But you won't see your ex again even if they're alive. They're practically no longer existant in your life. So it's like a death in my eyes, too. Most of us are on here because we didn't get closure and can't accept that it's really over. We refuse to hear it - just like a death.

Exactly. And after grief comes anger, then moving forward. So the angry posts here are part of the process as well.

Yeah I'm at that angry and disappointed stage, now. I'm just bored of it, now. It's weird how grief affects us all differently.

[jhuskindle]

I think there's a lot real and true in here and I very much appreciate you posting it. Where I think I take a different view is, yes, you're right that people aren't going to move on until they're truly ready. It doesn't matter how much your friends and family tell you it's over and you need to just take a fresh start -- until you are convinced in your own heart that all hope is lost, you won't progress.

But.

I do think psychics can prolong this process by elongating the period where you still have hope. If you have someone you believe is plugged into the absolute divine/energetic forces of this universe telling you, this is still going to happen, there's still hope for this -- then you may not arrive at the rock bottom point where one day you wake up and you're ready to move on, for much longer than if this divine messenger hadn't entered the picture.

I totally agree with this. Psychics prolong the process and they also make it much more difficult and complicated. And it's for that very reason, because they come across like a divine messenger. And many of them literally present themselves as such, not just as a psychic but they say they are giving you messages from God or the angels.

It makes it very very difficult to listen to yourself and your own instincts when someone purports to be speaking for the almighty.

It's true that I needed a long grieving period, and I was not going to be ready to move on for quite awhile...but, it went on FAR longer than it needed to. And there are different ways of going through that process. It would have been better for me to go through it clear headed, just dealing with the reality that was in front of me, not having psychics telling me so many different things.

It was a huge learning experience for me to see all the things that were hanging me up on this man...which absolutely could have gone by much faster if any of the readers had accurately understood the situation and what was holding me back.

That is fair, that's why I'm ultra careful about what psychics I choose to read with and how I got here.

[attaboy]

I think when our lives become stormy and we get the wind knocked out of us, we look for ANYTHING that can provide some relief.  It's almost analogous to when we get sick and take medication.  The medication will temporarily make us feel better (i.e. relieve uncomfortable symptoms), but how we truly heal is by allowing time to pass, allowing for our bodies to fight off whatever bacteria or virus invaded it.  The medication is just there to temporarily make things a little more comfortable during the process of getting healthy, once again.

I believe calling psychics is that temporary relief to make those unpleasant symptoms a little more tolerable.  No doubt we are all uncomfortable and have intrusive thoughts about our POIs in our head at all hours of the day.  Sometimes those thoughts are so loud, while other times they aren't as noticeable.

Many times it just doesn't seem fair that they get to live their life happy and most of the time with someone new, while we sit here heartbroken, still being as loyal to them as if we were still together.  Isn't that bizarre?

I've felt bad about things for a long time now.  I'm a dude, yes, we have feelings too, and we go through the same turmoil that you ladies go through.  It's just I think society has conditioned men not to come forward and talk about their unpleasant feelings.  I, for one, know I'm a confident man.  Having emotions is a part of being a human.  If I didn't have them then I would be a robot.

I'm not going to lie, I'm very intelligent.  I know a lot about human psychology, human behavior, and in general quite a bit about being a good partner.

For the most part your ex partner thinks about you, even if they are with someone.  If they bonded with you then you can pretty much assume that they did not forget about you!  Almost all of my exes came back to be with me again.  Many times your ex will compare their new partner to you.  Also, their new partner may not have any clue how to even be a good partner in general (i.e. meeting their needs, grooming, hygiene, manners, etc...).  They think this new partner is everything for them.  That is because everything is so new and exciting.  Biochemically speaking when we experience love our brain produces dopamine, Oxycontin, and other chemicals that are also produced when someone shoots up heroin.  These chemicals are super addictive.  This 'high' only lasts a certain time, this is typically called the honeymoon period.  Once this honeymoon period ends these chemicals begin to drop significantly.  And it's usually during this time these brain chemicals drop where your ex partner realizes what kind of mess they got themselves into.  This could be where they discover they made a bad decision.  Typically when we make decisions based on emotions those choices end up not being as good as those we could have made by using logic and reasoning.

See, what happens most of the time is our exes fantasize about this new person.  But, that's all it is, is a fantasy.  They believe this person is everything for them, when in reality 9 times out of 10 things will not work out.  They think 'YES!  Finally so-and-so is going to meet ALL my unmet needs'.  But in reality that is just not the case.  Your ex has to solve those issues on their own.  If they are relying on another person to meet their needs and make them happy to complete them it's indicative that something is wrong with your ex (i.e. they are not complete/whole and they are searching for someone to complete them, rather than searching for someone to compliment them).  How many relationships have you had?  How many have been successful?  See, the majority of relationships just don't last or they are not successful.  So, don't sweat it when you see your ex happy with another person.  It likely won't work out.  And guess what?  When that crumbles apart guess who your ex is going to look back to?  You guessed it.  They will revisit the idea of a relationship with you.  The best part is they will look at the past relationship through rose colored glasses.  This means they will be biased and only look at the good elements of what you had together.  Enough time has passed for them to forget about the bad times and problems you faced.

Psychologically speaking - and I'm not a professional doctor, therapist, or licensed anything, so take this how you want: everything is related to how we attached to our caregivers during our first two years of life.  If we had healthy attachment then when things go sideways in romantic relationships we are more able to move on, because we have had proper attachment.  We know that someone else will love us and won't feel as though that (the ex) was the only person that could ever love us.  There is also unhealthy attachment and that is where many of us, unfortunately fall.  We either have an avoidant attachment style or a preoccupied anxious attachment style.  There is also one called disorganized attachment, but that only affects a very small subset of the population (usually those adopted or those that have been in foster-care during their childhood).  These unhealthy attachment styles manifest in our romantic relationships because that is what is familiar to us. 

In other words we seek partners that can never fulfill our unmet needs.  We gravitate towards those partners that mimic our caregivers in a struggle to finally get them to meet our unmet needs, because we never had them met.  We were supposed to attach healthily while we were babies, but for whatever reason our caregivers did not do the best job.  I'm not bashing parents or caregivers here, because they probably did the best they could, but when push comes to shove, they, many times, failed at meeting our needs.

When this psychology and human behavior is understood it really opens up your eyes.  We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us.  The action of our partner leaving is only what, on the surface, has caused that band-aid to be ripped off, uncovering all the trauma from our early childhood that we never dealt with.  We buried shit for years and years and carry that subconsciously with us.  It never leaves us.  Not until we deal with it.

I haven't taken any formal psychology courses.  I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker.  I analyze and think way too much!  I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...

What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know.  I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did.  This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together.  Gee!  I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma.  My guess is no.  These people have no business being therapists.  It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them.  They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves. 

The point of this post is to let you all know that these feelings are perfectly normal, BUT, the reason we feel this way is because we have not dealt with the attachment injuries we had while we were babies.  Until that is solved and managed we will repeat this cycle, picking out the wrong partner in an effort for them to meet our needs that we never had met, by our caregivers.  We will fall in love, get invested, and ultimately break up, suffering heartache once again.

I'd be happy to expand on any of the above in an effort to help anyone out that is curious.

Your feelings are not disenfranchised - I completely acknowledge them.

[jhuskindle]

Amen!!!!

[star1]

What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know.  I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did.  This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together.  Gee!  I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma.  My guess is no.  These people have no business being therapists. 

Yep! I was like that as a teenager. I read a lot of college textbooks. I saw a psychologist when I was 15 who said outright he couldn't do anything for me because I already knew too much about psychology. Lol.

Psychology has its uses, but I have benefited a lot more from philosophy, in particular evolutionary and political philosophy. I believe the vast majority of problems people have with relationships nowadays result from cultural changes not matching what our brains and bodies have adapted evolutionary strategies for. And a lot of attachment problems and other developmental issues result from those cultural changes.

I agree a lot of people have no business being therapists. They have their own unresolved problems that drew them to wanting to help others and they can have a lot of blind spots. But therapy won't help much anyway if it doesn't show you how to reason your own way through a problem. Some can do that, but some can't reason their way out of a paper bag. And most use a lot of sophistry, which can leave a client worse off than they were when they walked in.

Validation for our feelings is important, and that was what kept me calling psychics because in some ways they gave that to me when no one else did. It was beneficial to an extent but I got very dependent on it. Eventually what snapped me out of it, was to stop focusing so much on my feelings and use logic instead.

I had to face some hard realities to do so but I think that's at the core of why we start calling psychics. The circumstances and underlying psychological reasons may vary but the one common theme is psychics tell us things that are not evident in reality. Those things or may not be true, they may become evident later, or they may prove to be false. But either way, the things they tell us are not evident in reality at the time of the reading.

When we get readings, there's some fundamental desire there to see or know something other than what reality shows us and tells us in that moment. It may be the shock of loss or betrayal - which can be really difficult, even physically as well as emotionally and like you said we look for anything that will bring relief. Readings may be driven by anxiety or suspicion or hypervigilance. Or it may be sheer escapsim.

But in any case, readings are a way of bargaining with reality, a way of looking for life to be something other than what it currently is.

I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.

[attaboy]

I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.

Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it?  Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened?  You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship!  I would be DEVASTATED!! 

These people are able to get over it and move on quickly because they had proper healthy attachment from early on.  Since they KNOW they will be able to find love again they do not worry, fret, or sulk, simply because to them, they know for sure they will be able to find someone else.  They are not dependent or desperate for someone else to love them because they learned to love themselves through healthy attachment and ultimately detachment from caregivers.

I understand what you are cautioning me for, but in reality it's not in fact the loss of the partner that we are upset over, it's the fact we lost the love we thought we had and the ability or inability for that partner to meet our unmet needs.  It's crazy to think about.  I may be digging in really deep.  I'm not saying I'm right, it's just something to chew on.  I completely understand where you are coming from.  I welcome your thoughts and never judge.  Discussion is pretty cool, especially when someone else understands attachment theory!

I'm getting to the point where I'm going to wind down my exposure to psychics.  I'll be pulling the plug before the 1st of the year.  I won't look back.  I read with enough psychics by now that have given me many outcomes, many timeframes, etc....etc....

If she comes back then things will be on my terms.  I'll be super careful and will keep my distance.  She will have so much to prove to regain both my trust and respect.  It can be done, but it's going to be a very difficult challenge for her.

Ladies - what would be some personal boundaries you would respect in a man if you had dumped him and decided to come back to him because A) you felt like you made a mistake or B) nothing else worked out for you?

I know that accepting her back with no consequences would make her not respect me very much and without respect there is no love.  So, I'm curious to hear from the ladies what would make you respect a man, specifically boundaries, in the event you decided to go back to your ex partner?

[Miss Philosopher]

I think when our lives become stormy and we get the wind knocked out of us, we look for ANYTHING that can provide some relief.  It's almost analogous to when we get sick and take medication.  The medication will temporarily make us feel better (i.e. relieve uncomfortable symptoms), but how we truly heal is by allowing time to pass, allowing for our bodies to fight off whatever bacteria or virus invaded it.  The medication is just there to temporarily make things a little more comfortable during the process of getting healthy, once again.

I believe calling psychics is that temporary relief to make those unpleasant symptoms a little more tolerable.  No doubt we are all uncomfortable and have intrusive thoughts about our POIs in our head at all hours of the day.  Sometimes those thoughts are so loud, while other times they aren't as noticeable.

Many times it just doesn't seem fair that they get to live their life happy and most of the time with someone new, while we sit here heartbroken, still being as loyal to them as if we were still together.  Isn't that bizarre?

I've felt bad about things for a long time now.  I'm a dude, yes, we have feelings too, and we go through the same turmoil that you ladies go through.  It's just I think society has conditioned men not to come forward and talk about their unpleasant feelings.  I, for one, know I'm a confident man.  Having emotions is a part of being a human.  If I didn't have them then I would be a robot.

I'm not going to lie, I'm very intelligent.  I know a lot about human psychology, human behavior, and in general quite a bit about being a good partner.

For the most part your ex partner thinks about you, even if they are with someone.  If they bonded with you then you can pretty much assume that they did not forget about you!  Almost all of my exes came back to be with me again.  Many times your ex will compare their new partner to you.  Also, their new partner may not have any clue how to even be a good partner in general (i.e. meeting their needs, grooming, hygiene, manners, etc...).  They think this new partner is everything for them.  That is because everything is so new and exciting.  Biochemically speaking when we experience love our brain produces dopamine, Oxycontin, and other chemicals that are also produced when someone shoots up heroin.  These chemicals are super addictive.  This 'high' only lasts a certain time, this is typically called the honeymoon period.  Once this honeymoon period ends these chemicals begin to drop significantly.  And it's usually during this time these brain chemicals drop where your ex partner realizes what kind of mess they got themselves into.  This could be where they discover they made a bad decision.  Typically when we make decisions based on emotions those choices end up not being as good as those we could have made by using logic and reasoning.

See, what happens most of the time is our exes fantasize about this new person.  But, that's all it is, is a fantasy.  They believe this person is everything for them, when in reality 9 times out of 10 things will not work out.  They think 'YES!  Finally so-and-so is going to meet ALL my unmet needs'.  But in reality that is just not the case.  Your ex has to solve those issues on their own.  If they are relying on another person to meet their needs and make them happy to complete them it's indicative that something is wrong with your ex (i.e. they are not complete/whole and they are searching for someone to complete them, rather than searching for someone to compliment them).  How many relationships have you had?  How many have been successful?  See, the majority of relationships just don't last or they are not successful.  So, don't sweat it when you see your ex happy with another person.  It likely won't work out.  And guess what?  When that crumbles apart guess who your ex is going to look back to?  You guessed it.  They will revisit the idea of a relationship with you.  The best part is they will look at the past relationship through rose colored glasses.  This means they will be biased and only look at the good elements of what you had together.  Enough time has passed for them to forget about the bad times and problems you faced.

Psychologically speaking - and I'm not a professional doctor, therapist, or licensed anything, so take this how you want: everything is related to how we attached to our caregivers during our first two years of life.  If we had healthy attachment then when things go sideways in romantic relationships we are more able to move on, because we have had proper attachment.  We know that someone else will love us and won't feel as though that (the ex) was the only person that could ever love us.  There is also unhealthy attachment and that is where many of us, unfortunately fall.  We either have an avoidant attachment style or a preoccupied anxious attachment style.  There is also one called disorganized attachment, but that only affects a very small subset of the population (usually those adopted or those that have been in foster-care during their childhood).  These unhealthy attachment styles manifest in our romantic relationships because that is what is familiar to us. 

In other words we seek partners that can never fulfill our unmet needs.  We gravitate towards those partners that mimic our caregivers in a struggle to finally get them to meet our unmet needs, because we never had them met.  We were supposed to attach healthily while we were babies, but for whatever reason our caregivers did not do the best job.  I'm not bashing parents or caregivers here, because they probably did the best they could, but when push comes to shove, they, many times, failed at meeting our needs.

When this psychology and human behavior is understood it really opens up your eyes.  We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us.  The action of our partner leaving is only what, on the surface, has caused that band-aid to be ripped off, uncovering all the trauma from our early childhood that we never dealt with.  We buried shit for years and years and carry that subconsciously with us.  It never leaves us.  Not until we deal with it.

I haven't taken any formal psychology courses.  I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker.  I analyze and think way too much!  I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...

What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know.  I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did.  This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together.  Gee!  I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma.  My guess is no.  These people have no business being therapists.  It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them.  They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves. 

The point of this post is to let you all know that these feelings are perfectly normal, BUT, the reason we feel this way is because we have not dealt with the attachment injuries we had while we were babies.  Until that is solved and managed we will repeat this cycle, picking out the wrong partner in an effort for them to meet our needs that we never had met, by our caregivers.  We will fall in love, get invested, and ultimately break up, suffering heartache once again.

I'd be happy to expand on any of the above in an effort to help anyone out that is curious.

Your feelings are not disenfranchised - I completely acknowledge them.

This............this was profound. Thank you for sharing.

[Miss Philosopher]

Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it?  Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened?  You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship!  I would be DEVASTATED!! 

I don't know anyone like that...and that sounds shallow to me, or like someone with serious character issues. Maybe an urbanite kind of thing. Not something I would aspire to in any case. There's a nice place in between being devastated, and acting like nothing happened. I think acting like nothing happened is just as indicative of attachment problems, as not being able to let go, maybe more so.

There are lots of reasons why people feel like they may not find love again. People have unique qualities that are not interchangeable or replaceable. When you lose that, it is normal to grieve for awhile. Life circumstances may be different after you break up with someone. We all get older or may feel less attractive at some point. I have health issues and I don't have much energy for a relationship right now. Maybe I won't ever feel up to it again. Life gives us opportunities we never expect, so you never know, but life also takes opportunities away mercilessly as time passes. That's why I still post here, to say to people, don't do what I did, because in the end you will wonder what you missed out on while you were getting readings. Life is too short to spend it focusing on someone who is not there.

Beautiful. Thank you.

[star1]

I would be careful about saying things like, "We are not sad and miserable because our partner left us." because that can be another form of bargaining or denial. I get what you mean but...Yes, we ARE sad and miserable because our partner left us. You can dig around in it and find lots of other things going on, but it still is what it is. Dealing with what is, is grounding and puts you back in the present.

Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it?  Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened?  You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship!  I would be DEVASTATED!! 

These people are able to get over it and move on quickly because they had proper healthy attachment from early on.  Since they KNOW they will be able to find love again they do not worry, fret, or sulk, simply because to them, they know for sure they will be able to find someone else.  They are not dependent or desperate for someone else to love them because they learned to love themselves through healthy attachment and ultimately detachment from caregivers.

I understand what you are cautioning me for, but in reality it's not in fact the loss of the partner that we are upset over, it's the fact we lost the love we thought we had and the ability or inability for that partner to meet our unmet needs.  It's crazy to think about.  I may be digging in really deep.  I'm not saying I'm right, it's just something to chew on.  I completely understand where you are coming from.  I welcome your thoughts and never judge.  Discussion is pretty cool, especially when someone else understands attachment theory!

I'm getting to the point where I'm going to wind down my exposure to psychics.  I'll be pulling the plug before the 1st of the year.  I won't look back.  I read with enough psychics by now that have given me many outcomes, many timeframes, etc....etc....

If she comes back then things will be on my terms.  I'll be super careful and will keep my distance.  She will have so much to prove to regain both my trust and respect.  It can be done, but it's going to be a very difficult challenge for her.

Ladies - what would be some personal boundaries you would respect in a man if you had dumped him and decided to come back to him because A) you felt like you made a mistake or B) nothing else worked out for you?

I know that accepting her back with no consequences would make her not respect me very much and without respect there is no love.  So, I'm curious to hear from the ladies what would make you respect a man, specifically boundaries, in the event you decided to go back to your ex partner?

I'm sorry, but I disagree with this first part. It is perfectly healthy and normal to be hurt over a relationship, especially long term. A bond with someone who you have been intimate with, shared secrets with and your life, been through so many things together is normal to be upset over. So it's okay for people to be upset over grieving of losing others out of our lives, but not relationships? Yes, I obviously think calling psychics and hanging on for months waiting on someone is unhealthy, especially if the relationship is unhealthy and on and off which I have had one myself and it did me no good (talking about my own experiences with that - not anyone directly). But it's perfectly normal for someone to get hurt and take a while to get over a loved one.. I've known perfectly stable people who have good lives reminisce over their exes (which is why they come back and make contact) and look back on the relationship.

Sometimes people have these sudden sparks of melancholy about an ex. I have a friend out of nowhere who said to me he thought about a girl in summer that they both liked each other but things didn't take off and he seemed to be regretful. He said it once and moved on, it doesn't mean he's thinking unhealthy and obsessing over.. I think back to my past and my exes occasionally. I'm over one of them, honest to God. But because they were such a huge part or your life, you shared so much together you do think "Oh, I wonder what he's doing with his life, now?". I don't think that there's anything wrong to grieve over when a relationship breaks down. I've seen perfectly happy stable people grieve over a relationship.. It's how we go about it that shows our deep down issues. We can choose to be sad but carry on with our lives and that's okay. Or we can call psychics and wait around for months on someone (which I have learned my lessons and don't regret the psychic circle because I got to meet so many people and learn so many lessons). And yes - the latter is unhealthy.

[sawthelight]

Do you have friends or know of people that get dumped and they are completely fine after it?  Like the very next day it's like nothing even happened?  You think, holy crap, you just got dumped and you were in a 3-year relationship!  I would be DEVASTATED!! 

I don't know anyone like that...and that sounds shallow to me, or like someone with serious character issues. Maybe an urbanite kind of thing. Not something I would aspire to in any case. There's a nice place in between being devastated, and acting like nothing happened. I think acting like nothing happened is just as indicative of attachment problems, as not being able to let go, maybe more so.

There are lots of reasons why people feel like they may not find love again. People have unique qualities that are not interchangeable or replaceable. When you lose that, it is normal to grieve for awhile. Life circumstances may be different after you break up with someone. We all get older or may feel less attractive at some point. I have health issues and I don't have much energy for a relationship right now. Maybe I won't ever feel up to it again. Life gives us opportunities we never expect, so you never know, but life also takes opportunities away mercilessly as time passes. That's why I still post here, to say to people, don't do what I did, because in the end you will wonder what you missed out on while you were getting readings. Life is too short to spend it focusing on someone who is not there.

yes, I agree.  I can't see walking away from a relationship that you invested time and emotions in, and just being all "hey I'm ok" a day later..it's normal to grieve and feel loss and sad..and anyone who doesn't sounds like a very cold person.

[daughterofcups - P]

I haven't taken any formal psychology courses.  I'm not trained in psychology, but I do read articles, talk to people, and my god, I'm a thinker.  I analyze and think way too much!  I observe people, talk to them, etc...etc...

What I have come to realize is I know WAY more about psychology than most licensed therapists that have master's degrees know.  I have stories of going into appointments, talking to the therapist, and having them become super defensive with me because they knew just by the way I talked to them I knew way more than they did.  This made them uncomfortable and after asking them some difficult questions that probably brought up unresolved trauma from their past I was politely asked to leave and that we wouldn't be a good fit to work together.  Gee!  I wonder if this person ever did work on improving themselves or resolved their trauma.  My guess is no.  These people have no business being therapists.  It's like every time I see a fat/heavy/obese doctor I just cannot trust them or respect them.  They are in the medical profession, treating and providing advice to patients, yet they don't even take care of themselves. 

So i agree with most of what youre saying but this actually is super wrong and very much bothers me. I spent 6 years studying clinical psychology and have a masters degree and am a full time therapist. You do not know better than a therapist. You dont. There are many different types of therapies and not all therapists are created equal. You likely havent tried every style and kind of therapy, and you also do not possess the experience or basis of learned knowledge for this. Like at all. I can tell by how youre describing your “knowledge”. Half of this is incorrect. Also- yes, attachment style is very relevant, but it does not explain everything, by any means. There are a multitude of factors and theoretical backgeounds that relate to how we function in relationships- and not everything is object relations based (your relationship with your parents)- thats an extremely narrow and freudian view, and is basically archaeic. You have zero understanding of mental illness outside of basic understandings of human psych 101, and no you are not smarter than all your therapists, which by the way you should know they probably picked up on that themselves without you knowing and wrote it into your treatment plan. If you want more explanation or elaboration on my part in this as someone who’s actually studied this please let me know. Until you spend time working with schizophrenic patients, nonverbal patients, or people who have survived incestual sex abuse and severe trauma- please do not hop out the gate saying this. As a woman im not surprised, but its super tiring to hear.

[daughterofcups - P]

...and no you are not smarter than all your therapists...

You don't know that. The average iq of psychologists is around 110. Most people don't even really comprehend intelligence more than about one standard deviation higher than their own. Maybe 2 deviations at best, but the ability to relate is really anyway strained at that gap. In most professions, competency and training matter more than compatibility. Iq is a good predictor of competency but I mean it doesn't matter if the person fixing your car is less intelligent than you are, so long as they know what they are doing. When it comes to minds, though, and talk therapy, it is tedious to talk to a therapist with a significantly lower iq.

Well if you knew much about psychology you’d know IQ isnt used in any psychological basis, at all, or taken seriously in the mental health care world. Its not seen as an accurrate measure anymore. Also, IQ is not emotional intelligence, which is what actually matters in the professions. Psychopaths and narcissists can have high IQ’s, and they would also be shit therapists for obvious reasons.
I know what youre saying, and sure there are probably dumb therapists out there believe me i get it “surface level” pinterest advice is annoying as hell, but people dont go to school for 6 years and dedicate their entire lives to clinical research just for one guy who thinks they “get it” to come in and off the bat be like “yo i know more than this person!!”.. which is why i said those same therapists he claimed are dumb with “unresolved trauma” likely know he thinks hes smarter than them  before he even had the thought. Trust me, i see this all the time, and its usually adolescents or people with a developmental level of an adolscent with a lot of trust issues and trauma, and its a defense from vulnerability, and its one of the easiest things to spot. Therapists are 9/10 much more observant and aware than people assume, and are just really great at not coming off condescending because that would be idiotic. Do you know how many times a day i “play dumb” to serve a therapeutic purpose? A lot lol. but as far as pure understanding and academic knowledge- no he does not know better and is not smarter than a therapist. he doesnt have the educational background, at all, nor the experience and like i said based on his speaking on it alone , that much is obvious to me.


See. I get it, because ive been to therapists who are a little slower moving than me, i process things quickly and am very self aware- which this person probably is- so someone saying something to me like “using I feel statements is better!” To me is like okay lol, no shit. I need to dig deeper than basic advice.. however I wouldnt chalk that up to the therapists intelligence, but rather their approach/ personal therapuetic style.

 Its a bit like an adolescent who argued with his international law professor because he saw a few youtube videos, and thinks theyre smarter than their dumb ol’ parents at age 14. Or a student who took econ 101 and now thinks they can fix the economy. If anything it shows an issue with authority and a deep distrust and fear of rejection/ vulnerability, but i wont get into that right now.