Breaking a habit for a 3rd time...

[Just FYI]

I am not sure where to start... I found this forum over the summer, as I was trying to break my psychic addiction and realize now that I've fallen into a psychic habit for the third time in my life.

The first time I got hooked on psychics was about 12 years ago, when you could still get psychic readings on eBay. I chose eBay readings because I was afraid of what a psychic call center like Keen would do to my bank account. I think I knew at the time that I have addictive tendencies and I wouldn't be able to stop calling. So eBay seemed like a good way to just "pay as I go", but in looking back at it, I spent way more than I feel comfortable admitting. What got me into psychic readings then? I think the same as most people on this forum - heartbreak. I'd broken up with someone who I felt a deep connection to, and initially bought a love spell from an eBay seller. It didn't work. I bought a lot of spells. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, even to myself. I have an advanced degree in engineering, so I am beyond embarrassed to EVEN THINK of telling anyone who knows me in real life that I thought someone could cast a magic spell to bring this guy back to me.

Then I moved on to psychic readings, because one of the sellers said she could "look into" why the spell she casted wasn't working. That was the start of the downward spiral. I would ask every reader on eBay, "when is Andy coming back to me?" "why did Andy leave me?" rather than focus on moving on. When I look back at this time in my life, I want to slap myself for not focusing on how I could move forward and release this guy. Then I started dating again but because I thought Andy was going to pop back into my life, I wasn't 100% in with any guy I was seeing, which was really unfair to them. Finally, I met my now husband, and because he was so ardent and real, I was finally able to let go of asking psychics about my love life.

After a year or so of chilling out and enjoying the security of my new relationship, I moved for a big ticket job. I was in a new city, alone, and really insecure in this job. While the job was a big deal, it was only a 2 year contract position. I started freaking out about what would be my "next step" and what my partner was going to do, whether we would make things work out to live in the same city. I started with the eBay readings again. It's interesting, there are so many names that pop up in this forum who I've read with 5, 10, and 12 years ago. Some of them have changed their names slightly, but I know it's them - it's really something that they've stayed in the game for so long.

So I got hooked in again, and at this time Yahoo messenger was my gateway into chat psychic readings. I was buying chat readings off of eBay and really liked how I could have an actual conversation with a psychic. Looking back on it, the psychics filled a void for me. I've always had a lot of friends, but no confidants, if that makes sense. With the psychics, I could just ask "what do you think will happen?" and I wouldn't have to ruminate on things for myself. I could just ask for answers and seek assurances. I cut back on psychic readings when my partner moved to this city for a job and we found a place together - I was too ashamed to admit that I was doing psychic chat and didn't want to be "caught". It also helped that eBay stopped allowing psychic listings.

I got sucked into psychic readings a THIRD time starting about 5 years ago. I was miserable at my then-job, and because I couldn't get psychic readings on eBay anymore I needed another way to get the reassurance I wanted. I found a forum online (not this one, actually can't remember which one it was) and there were glowing reviews of Emmy Moon (I think she's changed her Keen name to Emmy Muniz) and her rate was just the right price that I could get a $15-$20 reading to ask the same questions over and over again - when will I find a new job, when will things change... and then I got down into the rabbit hole, as my partner started going through a really tough time. He's now been diagnosed with PTSD and manic depression, but in the years leading up to those diagnoses things were difficult and I sought out relationship readings in addition to career readings. At one point I was spending $700 a month! I can provide reviews of the readers who've hit some thing right, and those who were totally off, but I'm not sure that this information will provide any value to folks here.

I started reading reviews here to "scratch the itch" of wanting to get psychic readings this summer, when I had the realization that I just keep asking the same things over and over again and need to recognize that life cannot be neatly lived. I love my partner very much, and while things can be difficult there's no psychic who was able to tell me "it's because he has a mental health issue" -- they all told me, "it's in his past" which is true... PTSD is due to past trauma, but no one was able to put a fine point on it like the mental health professionals that are helping him at the moment. I also have started my own business, and while many psychics tell me there will be "a lot of success" I also have to focus on actual work and not wasting time on getting readings!

So here I am... I've deactivated my Keen account to try to keep myself from getting readings. For a while I would tell myself, "oh, I'll just to go so-and-so's Keen profile and read the reviews but I won't call" and that is just the slippery slope. Now that I don't have an active account, it's not so easy to just hit "arrange a call" to just ask the same questions over and over again. I am right now debating whether I will get another "general outlook" reading from Kisha (I got my first one in July, and re-read it frequently) but am so scared that it'll be the start of addiction all over again. It's like being an alcoholic and knowing that you can't be in a bar, around alcohol, because you will end up passed out in a gutter by the end of the night... I have so much shame around this addiction, yet at the same time I've been told enough "truths" by some of the psychics I've spoken to over the years I can't help but hope in my dark moments someone can tell me how things will play out and give me certainty when it seems there's none to be had.

Thank you for reading, this turned out to be a much longer post than I expected it to be.

[Chelle9054]

Thank you for sharing. We have all been/are there and helping each other heal. And yes, slippery slope so try not to purchase that reading. You made so much sense in your post. Reading others stories helps to know you are not alone and there is no need to feel ashamed. Plus chatting here and sharing a healing thought can quell the urge to call one.
Keep up your belief in yourself! I’m rooting for you!

[njlady]

I've always had a lot of friends, but no confidants, if that makes sense.

I can really relate to that statement.  My family is 95% an embarrassment and it's not like I can confide in an addict or hang out with them, and I certainly can't divulge the Jerry Springer details to people I associate with  .... so psychics are the only other people I can be honest with about certain things and discuss certain subjects with.  I'm not ashamed to tell Judi anything at all.

[Just FYI]

Thank you for your kind words, both of you. I really appreciate it.

@njlady, I totally relate to the honesty you can have with psychics and I hope that you get what you need from your phone calls.

For a while I likened psychic calling to therapy of a sorts, but for me it's not a very healthy therapy because it doesn't require me to do any introspection and think about what's really happening.

I've gotten some explanations for my anxiety, which include several psychics telling me I'm an empath and absorb other people's energy. While I may be sensitive, and perhaps thin-skinned, which I don't think is the same as being an empath. I'm really working on this, to try to think through why I feel the way I do rather than call a psychic to figure out what is "really" happening.

[sawthelight]

Part of my issue with my first POI was that the situation was so dysfunctional, I felt I couldn't discuss it with any of my real life friends, which led me to call psychics to seek guidance..I'm not saying there wasn't a legitimate connection between me and him, but was it healthy?  no...and I think deep down, I knew my real life friends (even the one I did tell who would get upset when I would even bring him up) would have thought I was insane for even putting up with him.  I put up with it way longer than I should have which made it so much harder to get over.

I admit I was lonely and looking for something with someone I knew couldn't provide it.  The amount of excuses I made for him was disgusting.  He showed me who he really was several times and I overlooked it, and would only think of the positive moments and the chemistry between us.

I try to look at it like a learning experience, but it's hard to not get down on myself because of it.

[star1]

Part of my issue with my first POI was that the situation was so dysfunctional, I felt I couldn't discuss it with any of my real life friends, which led me to call psychics to seek guidance..I'm not saying there wasn't a legitimate connection between me and him, but was it healthy?  no...and I think deep down, I knew my real life friends (even the one I did tell who would get upset when I would even bring him up) would have thought I was insane for even putting up with him.  I put up with it way longer than I should have which made it so much harder to get over.

I admit I was lonely and looking for something with someone I knew couldn't provide it.  The amount of excuses I made for him was disgusting.  He showed me who he really was several times and I overlooked it, and would only think of the positive moments and the chemistry between us.

I try to look at it like a learning experience, but it's hard to not get down on myself because of it.

Sorry to hear that, we've all been there. Family members and friends just saying "get rid of him, he's no good for you". Thanks for the advice! When we speak to readers, they seem to get into the actual person's head and you *think* you're getting the answers you needed. Then you call another, then another...

[sawthelight]

Part of my issue with my first POI was that the situation was so dysfunctional, I felt I couldn't discuss it with any of my real life friends, which led me to call psychics to seek guidance..I'm not saying there wasn't a legitimate connection between me and him, but was it healthy?  no...and I think deep down, I knew my real life friends (even the one I did tell who would get upset when I would even bring him up) would have thought I was insane for even putting up with him.  I put up with it way longer than I should have which made it so much harder to get over.

I admit I was lonely and looking for something with someone I knew couldn't provide it.  The amount of excuses I made for him was disgusting.  He showed me who he really was several times and I overlooked it, and would only think of the positive moments and the chemistry between us.

I try to look at it like a learning experience, but it's hard to not get down on myself because of it.

Sorry to hear that, we've all been there. Family members and friends just saying "get rid of him, he's no good for you". Thanks for the advice! When we speak to readers, they seem to get into the actual person's head and you *think* you're getting the answers you needed. Then you call another, then another...

Yep and at the end of the day, most of the time, it doesn't amount to anything anyway.  It was such a huge waste of my time!  I can't even say that I was happy the majority of the time I was involved with him where I can say that well at least I have these fond memories, it was mostly just anxiety inducing and heart wrenching. 

I feel like he broke my spirit in a way, but I have recovered some, but it's not easy to get over something like that.

[star1]

Part of my issue with my first POI was that the situation was so dysfunctional, I felt I couldn't discuss it with any of my real life friends, which led me to call psychics to seek guidance..I'm not saying there wasn't a legitimate connection between me and him, but was it healthy?  no...and I think deep down, I knew my real life friends (even the one I did tell who would get upset when I would even bring him up) would have thought I was insane for even putting up with him.  I put up with it way longer than I should have which made it so much harder to get over.

I admit I was lonely and looking for something with someone I knew couldn't provide it.  The amount of excuses I made for him was disgusting.  He showed me who he really was several times and I overlooked it, and would only think of the positive moments and the chemistry between us.

I try to look at it like a learning experience, but it's hard to not get down on myself because of it.

Sorry to hear that, we've all been there. Family members and friends just saying "get rid of him, he's no good for you". Thanks for the advice! When we speak to readers, they seem to get into the actual person's head and you *think* you're getting the answers you needed. Then you call another, then another...

Yep and at the end of the day, most of the time, it doesn't amount to anything anyway.  It was such a huge waste of my time!  I can't even say that I was happy the majority of the time I was involved with him where I can say that well at least I have these fond memories, it was mostly just anxiety inducing and heart wrenching. 

I feel like he broke my spirit in a way, but I have recovered some, but it's not easy to get over something like that.

I feel you. It gives us a nice boost to be told that they care about us, but then when they haven't come back, you begin to panic, grab onto timelines and call and call. Then, it gets into that never-ending cycle.

[sawthelight]

yea that boost can be toxic though, like a drug high...when you come down off the drug, you end up addicted and in a bad place lol.  At least for me, not everyone handles readings in the same way and not everyone is in a toxic situation.

[star1]

yea that boost can be toxic though, like a drug high...when you come down off the drug, you end up addicted and in a bad place lol.  At least for me, not everyone handles readings in the same way and not everyone is in a toxic situation.

That's what I mean, it gets toxic very easily. Sadly, is a dangerous slippery slope.

[Chelle9054]

I'm an addict. I admit it. Although, I'm not as terrible as I was before. I was calling them like every other day. It satisfied me for like that day and maybe the next day because I have trust problems as it is. I have a hard time with the whole "faith and belief" thing. I need some proof. The problem is, even when something happens that was said to happen, it still, for some reason, isn't enough. It's like I feel like I have to call everyday to check on the "energy of the day" since it's always changing naturally.

What really is, is the grieving process of loss in my opinion. First comes of the shock of the break up or the cheating. There's no telling how long that phase lasts. That's the beginning of the psychic readings right there, for me anyway. Then comes the denial after the shock wears off and then excuses made for bad behavior on their part. The psychics sort of help those excuses along because in a spiritual prospective, it's mostly just us having to "understand" them. Then comes the absolute crushing pain as reality starts to set in. The calls then become more frequent as time goes on because we want the pain to stop. Then comes the anger phase and we feel fed up and finished. Then back to the pain again. Then finally, the acceptance phase and we then let go and that's when the readings end. Sometimes it takes us years to reach the point of being able to let go. I think, in some cases, some people never do let go because they can't for whatever reason.

It's really hard. It's a huge task to push away the "what if" "what could be" "what could have been" thoughts because, typically, the person we are really dealing with isn't the person we have built up in our minds. We hold onto the things that were present in the very beginning of the relationship. We could be involved with someone for 10 years, and 9 and a half of those years were terrible and abusive filled with lies and deception, stress and worry etc. but we'll just sit there holding onto that first 6 months wondering why it changed and where that person went. Until we realize...........that person we saw in the beginning, that wasn't really who they were. That was the mask they wore. We always fear they're gonna treat the next one so much better and that something was wrong with us. I'm here to tell you, that's highly unlikely. Humans have patterns and most people don't change theirs. Anyway, enough rambling from me.

I think this is a beautiful, real and heartfelt post. It is exactly what I needed to see this morning. Especially the building them up in our heads piece and then the realization that they are not that. It has to be ego, though. For me at least. Needing to admit I misjudged, for so long, and the childish hope. Again, thank you for this.

[Just FYI]

I'm an addict. I admit it. Although, I'm not as terrible as I was before. I was calling them like every other day. It satisfied me for like that day and maybe the next day because I have trust problems as it is. I have a hard time with the whole "faith and belief" thing. I need some proof. The problem is, even when something happens that was said to happen, it still, for some reason, isn't enough. It's like I feel like I have to call everyday to check on the "energy of the day" since it's always changing naturally.

What really is, is the grieving process of loss in my opinion. First comes of the shock of the break up or the cheating. There's no telling how long that phase lasts. That's the beginning of the psychic readings right there, for me anyway. Then comes the denial after the shock wears off and then excuses made for bad behavior on their part. The psychics sort of help those excuses along because in a spiritual prospective, it's mostly just us having to "understand" them. Then comes the absolute crushing pain as reality starts to set in. The calls then become more frequent as time goes on because we want the pain to stop. Then comes the anger phase and we feel fed up and finished. Then back to the pain again. Then finally, the acceptance phase and we then let go and that's when the readings end. Sometimes it takes us years to reach the point of being able to let go. I think, in some cases, some people never do let go because they can't for whatever reason.

It's really hard. It's a huge task to push away the "what if" "what could be" "what could have been" thoughts because, typically, the person we are really dealing with isn't the person we have built up in our minds. We hold onto the things that were present in the very beginning of the relationship. We could be involved with someone for 10 years, and 9 and a half of those years were terrible and abusive filled with lies and deception, stress and worry etc. but we'll just sit there holding onto that first 6 months wondering why it changed and where that person went. Until we realize...........that person we saw in the beginning, that wasn't really who they were. That was the mask they wore. We always fear they're gonna treat the next one so much better and that something was wrong with us. I'm here to tell you, that's highly unlikely. Humans have patterns and most people don't change theirs. Anyway, enough rambling from me.

I relate to all that you've written here. I have a hard time "letting go" and "letting things take their course." I will call a psychic and then immediately need to call another one to essentially hear the same thing the first one told me.

The "what if" and "what could have been" is so difficult to reconcile as well. I hear you in what you write. It's so hard to let go when you feel that someone has connected with you, even if months and years go by where that connection gets really tested through terrible behavior towards you.

I hope you're not hard on yourself. Admitting addiction is a big step towards making a change. Even though we are strangers to each other on the Internet, from what I see in your post, I know that you can do it.

[sawthelight]

@JustFYI: I appreciate your words. I've had to do this letting go thing so many times. It gets a little easier each time though. I think we have all had to do the letting go
thing many times in our lives with different things. It's really difficult cause we want the idea in our heads to be reality. Problem is, we can't change people.
I think then, we have to ask ourselves, do we or did we really love that person or did we just love the IDEA of that person. The IDEA of who they could be or would be?
Perhaps we loved certain aspects of that person? But, not the WHOLE person? I don't know. Still unsure.

so true.  I had this whole other person built up in my head and what he turned out to be was quite the opposite.  I think he was his own worst enemy. 

[njlady]

@JustFYI: I appreciate your words. I've had to do this letting go thing so many times. It gets a little easier each time though. I think we have all had to do the letting go
thing many times in our lives with different things. It's really difficult cause we want the idea in our heads to be reality. Problem is, we can't change people.
I think then, we have to ask ourselves, do we or did we really love that person or did we just love the IDEA of that person. The IDEA of who they could be or would be?
Perhaps we loved certain aspects of that person? But, not the WHOLE person? I don't know. Still unsure.

Russell Brand has one of the best videos on this I have ever seen.  Play it 100 times a day if you have to. 

https://www.facebook.com/RussellBrand/videos/how-to-survive-a-breakup/316661629163391/

[Just FYI]

@JustFYI: I appreciate your words. I've had to do this letting go thing so many times. It gets a little easier each time though. I think we have all had to do the letting go
thing many times in our lives with different things. It's really difficult cause we want the idea in our heads to be reality. Problem is, we can't change people.
I think then, we have to ask ourselves, do we or did we really love that person or did we just love the IDEA of that person. The IDEA of who they could be or would be?
Perhaps we loved certain aspects of that person? But, not the WHOLE person? I don't know. Still unsure.

Russell Brand has one of the best videos on this I have ever seen.  Play it 100 times a day if you have to. 

https://www.facebook.com/RussellBrand/videos/how-to-survive-a-breakup/316661629163391/

Yes. This!