At the moment I am very well aware that I am torturing myself...I keep checking her page and it is not a good thing....but I am giving myself until Sunday and then I am done (and I don’t mean Sammi the Sweatheart done)...I just feel like there is something that doesn't make sense...I am not sure if I am just looking to prove these readers right or wrong.
Tuesday I was on Youtube looking up something and decided that I was going to look up the video link to see if it was still on there and it was…I accidentally hit the mouse and I see that she made a comment. I was so mad...it's his friend's account...and none of his friends had left comments...it is a little weird...and I basically don't like it...it made it feel too real and it made me just think these readers are wrong.
Today she posted on her page something along the lines of how she is counting down the hours until she sees her Russian man and have greek food and partake in some dutch vodka...tonight can't come fast enough....one of the comments from one of her friends is how she is so in love and its so cute etc.
I don't know if it's him and I don't know what to think. When you ask him what he is...he doesn't really think of himself as anything...he says that he's Jewish...but he is not religious at all and neither is his family...so he doesn't feel a connection to the Jewish culture or religion...we had a lengthy discussion about it when we were together about Ethnic backgrounds...he said that he guesses that he's Russian...but again..so far removed that he just doesn't think of himself as Russian at all.....but he absolutely loves Greek Food...but he doesn't do Vodka...
He is down the shore this week...and he loves loves loves the beach...he also has a wedding in upstate NY this weekend that he is not looking forward to because he has to lose his beach time (even though it was only 1 day) but he was more annoyed about the 3 or 4 hr car drive...well...i can't see him cutting his vacation in half to go and be with a girl....but if he is...then that means that he is making efforts...and you only make efforts for the people that you really like no?
I know that I am making this so much harder on myself than it needs to be...I guess I think that the more I see...the more sense this will make...sense of what? I am not sure? Maybe who's right or wrong?
I had a callback scheduled with Nina for 2 days now and I finally got on with her a little bit ago. I just don’t know what to think. She remembered speaking to me and she explained things a little more and she gave me some more details and she sticks to her time frame. She made me feel better about some things.
I asked her about them being together…and she said that they are not together…that is not how he sees it…and she is definitely looking at this a lot more than he is…she described her a little more and talked to me about more posts etc (I didn’t mention it to her until afterwards) she said in a few weeks all string of communication will be removed…I will not see any more posts or traces of her.
Nina also picked up that I was thinking of sending him an email again…that was true. Tuesday night I was very upset and I just hate what I am letting this do to me…so I wanted to send him a “Good-bye” Email…basically asking him not to reach out to me anymore because it hurts me too much because he means something to me and I will never know what his intentions are…but I basically will always want more. I didn’t do…and I am not going to do it. But she highly suggests that I don’t…I would regret it.
She was very nice…and she did make me feel better…I want to believe what she says…I really do…but I want to believe in reality and not fantasy and right now I don’t know what’s what.
The one thing that I always felt when I was with him was hope…every time I hear from him…I just feel hope…maybe I afraid to let go because if I do I will be letting go of “hope”.
I know in time…things will be better and I will feel better…but I wish it was now.