Walking away

[LivingInYellow]

I share this for those who need it.

I've been fighting the same battle for the last five years.
Trying to my head around why one of the people that I loved the most in the world left me in my time of need - cheated on me and then went on to pursue a relationship with someone else without ever really considering the implications for our relationship and how it would make me feel.

After experiencing a connection that spanned over more than a decade, it felt like a a knife in the back. A punch in the face and a kick in the ribs. He left me to make sense of it all. Sense that I don't really have. Just an avoidance of the truth and him telling me that 'if it is meant to be then we will find our way back to eachother.'

Trying to make sense of it all is what led me to psychics. Some say that we will reunite and be together properly after he has gotten all of this out of his system and others say that we won't because he is not the one for me; and our journey has come to an end. I don't know what the real answer is, but all I know is that every day since we have been apart has felt like torture to me. Torture that hasn't really subsided and intensified the more that time and space have passed.

I can never say I was perfect in the relationship. I had my moments, but my heart was always in the right place and I thought the universe understood that - yet this just feels like I am being punished and my desire and hopes for the future are not really being listened to. I'm sure the universe is supporting me. I'm sure whoever watches over me has my best interest at heart and knows why I have had to endure all of this, but right now it doesn't make sense to me and it hasn't for such a long time.

There are so many thoughts and no fulfilling answers that truly take into account how I feel about this person, whilst bringing me closure and peace.

But today, I've made my vow to walk away. To stop getting readings and to try and undo the damage that the readings have had to my optimism, but also to my better judgement.

I've been through a number of battles in my life, but letting go of someone who I considered to be not only a lover - but a friend and someone that I trusted... Has been the hardest journey that I have had face and the hardest one that I have had to do alone. Do I feel stronger? No, I feel like I have been brought to my knees - continuously. Time and time again.

I wonder when the late night tears will stop? When the anger disappears and when the emotional scars will not be as visible? Will he ever understand the way he left me devastated?

I allowed myself to fall in love with him because I felt it was a safe space. Now, if there is one thing that I realise, it is that there are no safe spaces and I no longer feel safe around anyone.

[scarlora]

I share this for those who need it.

I've been fighting the same battle for the last five years.
Trying to my head around why one of the people that I loved the most in the world left me in my time of need - cheated on me and then went on to pursue a relationship with someone else without ever really considering the implications for our relationship and how it would make me feel.

After experiencing a connection that spanned over more than a decade, it felt like a a knife in the back. A punch in the face and a kick in the ribs. He left me to make sense of it

I experienced the same thing about a year ago, however, at rhe time there was no 3rd party.  This was after 13 years and 3 kids.  I've tried many things to move on and just within the past month, I've felt it working.  I cant pinpoint any one thing, so here is what I have done.  I tried 3 different counselors, read Abandonment Recovery books, hypnotherapy, meditation, Tinder, reiki, and praying novenas.  I went from praying for my family to be together again to praying for me to let go completely.   That may have been the most helpful.  I also met someone new thru Tinder and gave him so many chances to win me over despite me fighting it.  He finally has.  I have reconciliation predictions through autumn and even one for 4 years from now. Haha.  Im not resisting the present anymore and it feels good.

[LivingInYellow]

Thank you so much for sharing your story Scarlora. I really appreciate it. It feels so strange that one person can have had this much of an effect on me. It's funny. I've tried Tinder and Plenty of Fish and nothing even feels right to me. Notning at all. Then again, I am scared of new people and the intention of others, so I'm probably not helping things along... Although I do feel like a lot of guys that I meet are not ready to settle down and say things that make me feel like I am just going to be taken advantage of. I have started counselling and I am going to try and keep up my sessions.

I would be grateful if you could share the Abandonment Recovery books. I definitely know that I feel abandoned and it sometimes feel like PTSD. I'm mourning and grieving over so many things that my heart wanted.

I feel like when I type that I am being dramatic, but it is genuinely how I feel (lol) and that is why starting therapy was important to me because I felt like I needed a place where I could just be sad and not be judged or considered crazy.

Hypnotherapy also sounds interesting, I will look into that! What did you seek when it came to hypnotherapy or did they evaluate you after you went in and spoke to them?

[scarlora]

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.  She has a workbook too that goes with it.  My hypnotherapy was expensive.  There were only 2 in my area and I felt most comfortable with the woman because she had gone thru a divorce and knew what messages I needed. My family and friends started to question why I wasnt moving on after a couple months, so that is when i turned to psychics.  Sometimes they helped more than counselors because they could explain the why he left and what he was feeling.  I still get readings but mostly to deal with custody and support things and my general worries for him. 

[whskers]

I am proud of you two.  I think change should come from each one of us.  That realization that you want to move forward and is proactively doing something about it. Great job you guys!

[scarlora]

Thank you. It's been a roller coaster.  I also saw a shamanic counselor who found my spirit animal and did a soul recovery for me.  So fun and so weird

[Cranberry88]

I am sorry to hear this my dear, i have always considered this statement "Maybe it's a blessing in disguise" which we use it and believe it on our religion.
Every bad thing that happens has a good wisdom and reason behind it, Regardless of how much you really wanted it or how much u thought it was a great place/fit/ etc.
Stay positive and open your doors for new opportunities that could be awaiting you for something better, never give up and most importantly you need to let go your previous relationship, if it meant to be than it might not be the right time now, otherwise am i SURE there is something better awaiting you.

Have faith & trust in God.

[njlady]

I allowed myself to fall in love with him because I felt it was a safe space. Now, if there is one thing that I realise, it is that there are no safe spaces and I no longer feel safe around anyone.

Believe me when I tell you that I am not being rude.  Breaking up sucks.  Cheaters suck.  Being hurt sucks.  I'm probably one of the oldest people on here.  That means I have a lot of life experience, and I have a pretty good life so I'm not talking out of my ass.  I have jeans older than your relationship plus your hurt time.  That being said, these last two sentences is where it all went wrong.  You don't "allow" yourself to fall in love.  You either feel love or you don't.  You don't put conditions on it.  You love freely.  What you limit for others, you limit for yourself.  If someone you love is no good for you, self love steps in and you walk away.  Real life doesn't have any safe spaces.  That is a fantasy.  You make safe spaces for little children to play in.  Adults don't have one.  Learn how to love yourself.  That comes from actions, not feelings.  This includes not doing things that cause yourself pain, like hanging on to piece of shit guys for 5 years past the expiration date hoping they will give you a magical excuse for their behavior.  The Universe spoke loud and clear, and you called 500 psychics to ask if he was coming back.  Your lesson was to learn how to let go when you are getting burned.  Learn faster next time. It hurts less.

My advice to you is to go out, do a few shots, find a guy and get some real good dick. Have no expectations.  Have some fun.  Do it a few times if you have to.  When you start to get an idea of how many men are out there, literally an endless lifetime supply, you will stop moping around about the one asshole who did you wrong.  You two were not a match. There  are billions of men on the planet.  You can find another one. By the time you die, you will probably have been in love 4 or 5 times.  If you keep wasting time, you could miss the next love in your life. 

[helloworld]

Believe me when I tell you that I am not being rude.  Breaking up sucks.  Cheaters suck.  Being hurt sucks.  I'm probably one of the oldest people on here.  That means I have a lot of life experience, and I have a pretty good life so I'm not talking out of my ass.  I have jeans older than your relationship plus your hurt time.  That being said, these last two sentences is where it all went wrong.  You don't "allow" yourself to fall in love.  You either feel love or you don't.  You don't put conditions on it.  You love freely.  What you limit for others, you limit for yourself.  If someone you love is no good for you, self love steps in and you walk away.  Real life doesn't have any safe spaces.  That is a fantasy.  You make safe spaces for little children to play in.  Adults don't have one.  Learn how to love yourself.  That comes from actions, not feelings.  This includes not doing things that cause yourself pain, like hanging on to piece of shit guys for 5 years past the expiration date hoping they will give you a magical excuse for their behavior.  The Universe spoke loud and clear, and you called 500 psychics to ask if he was coming back.  Your lesson was to learn how to let go when you are getting burned.  Learn faster next time. It hurts less.

My advice to you is to go out, do a few shots, find a guy and get some real good dick. Have no expectations.  Have some fun.  Do it a few times if you have to.  When you start to get an idea of how many men are out there, literally an endless lifetime supply, you will stop moping around about the one asshole who did you wrong.  You two were not a match. There  are billions of men on the planet.  You can find another one. By the time you die, you will probably have been in love 4 or 5 times.  If you keep wasting time, you could miss the next love in your life.

Well said!

[Illumin8]

I

My advice to you is to go out, do a few shots, find a guy and get some real good dick. Have no expectations.  Have some fun.  Do it a few times if you have to.  When you start to get an idea of how many men are out there, literally an endless lifetime supply, you will stop moping around about the one asshole who did you wrong.  You two were not a match. There  are billions of men on the planet.  You can find another one. By the time you die, you will probably have been in love 4 or 5 times.  If you keep wasting time, you could miss the next love in your life.

Amen sista . Can we sticky this? Best post ever!

[LivingInYellow]

I allowed myself to fall in love with him because I felt it was a safe space. Now, if there is one thing that I realise, it is that there are no safe spaces and I no longer feel safe around anyone.

Believe me when I tell you that I am not being rude.  Breaking up sucks.  Cheaters suck.  Being hurt sucks.  I'm probably one of the oldest people on here.  That means I have a lot of life experience, and I have a pretty good life so I'm not talking out of my ass.  I have jeans older than your relationship plus your hurt time.  That being said, these last two sentences is where it all went wrong.  You don't "allow" yourself to fall in love.  You either feel love or you don't.  You don't put conditions on it.  You love freely.  What you limit for others, you limit for yourself.  If someone you love is no good for you, self love steps in and you walk away.  Real life doesn't have any safe spaces.  That is a fantasy.  You make safe spaces for little children to play in.  Adults don't have one.  Learn how to love yourself.  That comes from actions, not feelings.  This includes not doing things that cause yourself pain, like hanging on to piece of shit guys for 5 years past the expiration date hoping they will give you a magical excuse for their behavior.  The Universe spoke loud and clear, and you called 500 psychics to ask if he was coming back.  Your lesson was to learn how to let go when you are getting burned.  Learn faster next time. It hurts less.

My advice to you is to go out, do a few shots, find a guy and get some real good dick. Have no expectations.  Have some fun.  Do it a few times if you have to.  When you start to get an idea of how many men are out there, literally an endless lifetime supply, you will stop moping around about the one asshole who did you wrong.  You two were not a match. There  are billions of men on the planet.  You can find another one. By the time you die, you will probably have been in love 4 or 5 times.  If you keep wasting time, you could miss the next love in your life.

Thanks for your input and your response to my story. I appreciate that you feel your advice is coming from a good place, but I also feel like your advice (like others on here) is a result of your own experiences and response to a shortened version of this saga. So, there are some parts of your advice that I acknowledge and agree with and other parts that I disagree with.

I've been through a few experiences in my life. Not necessarily the same as yours or as many as yours, but I have been through a fair bit. This isn't my first break up. I've been with other people and I have been betrayed by other people, but THIS one impacted me differently for whatever reason. I think I know why, without going into too much detail... but only God truly knows why it has traumatised me very deeply. So, I will say no to new bodies and deal with the issues that have arisen. Once I have done that, I will eventually be open, but I want to exercise caution.

I want to make sure that other people who are reading (and maybe going through  a similar situation) understand that this isn't just about 'getting over someone by getting under a number of new people' but dealing with the damage that has been done after significant (although subjective) pain has been experienced.

I appreciate your contribution though - thank you.

[LivingInYellow]

I am sorry to hear this my dear, i have always considered this statement "Maybe it's a blessing in disguise" which we use it and believe it on our religion.
Every bad thing that happens has a good wisdom and reason behind it, Regardless of how much you really wanted it or how much u thought it was a great place/fit/ etc.
Stay positive and open your doors for new opportunities that could be awaiting you for something better, never give up and most importantly you need to let go your previous relationship, if it meant to be than it might not be the right time now, otherwise am i SURE there is something better awaiting you.

Have faith & trust in God.

You know what, you sound like my mother (with your faith) and 'blessing in disguise'... lol I cannot deny that you may be right. However, I think I am going to need some hindsight time to get there because I am not sure I see many blessings at this time.

This situation has forced me to look around - see him and see other things and realise that I am actually not happy and I am now seriously considering moving away to somewhere new and somewhere it feels like I can breathe.

We have remained in and out of contact over the last five years. We ended in 2013, got back together in 2016; but I am starting to accept that contact needs to stop completely. My desire is definitely now to let go.

[LivingInYellow]

I am proud of you two.  I think change should come from each one of us.  That realization that you want to move forward and is proactively doing something about it. Great job you guys!

Thank you - I appreciate your encouragement!

[maroonlight]

As hard as it is not to do it, getting the readings just makes everything far worse than it already it, because you are twice as devastated when the person doesn't come back. I learned this 2 times the hard way, and still pending on a 3rd time. If this has gone on for years and the person has cheated on you and betrayed you like this, it is definitely best for your heart and well being to let them go. You may think that they won't do it again, but the fact of the matter is that if they are willing to do it once, then it is very likely they will stray away again with a wandering eye at some point. Habits like that are not easy to break...You deserve better than this heartache. Nobody is perfect and there's no such thing as the perfect relationship, but this does not sound like its for you.

[LivingInYellow]

Hey Maroonlight,
Thank you for commenting on my post.
I definitely take in what you are saying and I've had the conversation with myself about the very things that you mention. We did meet up the other day and words were exchanged about how our relationship got to this stage. I've played a part in it, but I am conscious that maybe there is nothing that he can say to me that will ever make things BETTER. I think he feels the same way to some extent.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to let him go, but I don't seem to have found an easy way yet. I am still trying so many different things. I've definitely stopped the readings.

This really is a journey... A new one for me.