I loved what Calypso said, that coming to terms with oneself, time wasted holding on to false hope.
It's difficult to let go of a relationship, very much so, but so is letting go of the hope. It is detrimental to moving on, difficult as it is. Letting go of the hope. It is the true ending of things. And I think, for me, that was what was so hard. Letting go of everything I wanted. Yes letting go of him, but letting go of the hope he would see how stupid he was to let me go. Letting go of MY dreams of what our relationship could be. What I thought my coming years would be. Letting go of all of that. That is what is so hard. I spent the last year thinking about all the things we said we'd do. Like it was gonna happen....lol. The time I should have spent healing, I spent thinking he'd call and we'd go here, and wouldn't he love this?, Wouldn't he like that? We would have so much fun doing....Maybe I should look into this place to go? Jeez, talk about time wasted. Starting over sucks. Especially when you didn't want to in the first place. Especially when you love someone else.
When you let go of the hope, is when the real pain sets in.
And while I was calling, all I could think about was how nice things would be again, to follow through on all the plans we had made. The house, the vacations, blah blah blah....Letting go of him is hard and letting go of all I thought would be is hard too. Letting go of the HOPE. I let myself get caught up in the notion that he missed me, and loved me so. Let myself stay in a non reality.
I feel ashamed. I feel stupid. I feel crushed. Oh, I know I'll be fine. I am really still reeling over it all. Functioning, yes, very well I might add. However, the letting go of the hope kind of lets a reality in that is quite sad. Very sad indeed. It will never be what I thought, or wanted. It will never be what they said it would be. I know I have said this before, and maybe I didn't hear it myself, but people get dumped every single day. And they don't get back together. Ever. And somtimes, you just gotta suck it up, and move on. If he wanted me in his life then I figure he would tell me or show me. And he would be with me. And he doesn't. No need to call a psychic to keep me holding on to something that is no longer there. To keep me hanging on to a hope that is futile.
I question myself, My self esteem. Yes I was with him for 3 years. To call and pay soo much money to hear all these wonderful things....I needed that to help me sleep. Why? Why couldn't I just realize it was over? That he didn't want to be with me anymore? Why couldn't I handle that? To him, it ran it's course. He was done and wanted to start a new chapter. The thing is is we were on different pages. Nothing more. It happens all the time. It was my time to be on the loosing end is all. Nothing more, Not his issues, not money, not depression, nothing...He was just done. Granted, he was a coward and couldnt' tell me, but I think 17 months of nothing says it all. I guess I am a tad slow. lol.
I think if we were to talk to a non biased friend they would be able to see and tell you the truth. They won't fill you with false hope and keep you hanging on. They will help you see and help you heal and help you move on with your life. Which in most cases won't take nearly as long as when you're calling a psychic. But there was something missing in myself, that I had to call a stranger on the phone to hear that he loved me, and how sorry he felt, and how much he wanted me in his life. Yeah, there was something missing in me.