Hi all.
I just read through everything, and I was so touched by how much caring was here. I haven't logged back in until today, it's just been a whirlwind. I obviously feel... well, I don't know the word for it. After spending a lot of money on readings in like, 2 days (you all know how easy it is to do that), I suddenly realized - without reading comments here - it didn't matter one cent what any of them said. When it's that serious, even if it is 2 weeks away before he "comes back" - a relatively short time - that feels like centuries away. And it dawned on me, if I can't talk to this person, we're absolutely f-ked, anyway.
And there's no "advice" out there for that level of relationship, either. And all the issues are amplified by it being long distance.
So, I texted him a short novel, to get it all out, and that opened a dialog.
We agreed we had several areas we need to work on, so maybe we don't get married right now. We stayed together. But of course, it doesn't feel the same at all.
And to be honest, I'm not seeing any effort from him. I'm supposed to move at the end of June like I was before. And that's the only way we're going to know if this is going to work out between us, or not. And it's really scary.
And part of me agrees with the comments here - that what kind of person, does that to someone.
But another part of me... well, one of my mains did say - to the grief point - that actually, this was all caused by him dealing with grief. He did really want the baby. And so she said, that in a way - without him realizing it - he blames me, for getting him excited about the baby, and then now having to feel loss, which he hasn't ever had to deal with before.
But, if a tree falls in the forest, and causes an earthquake in Japan (think butterfly effect) - does it matter?
Anyway, I've withdrawn from the relationship - I'm focusing on me and just trying to be as calm as possible (because I still feel shell shocked) - and I still don't know which way is up.
The good news is - I canceled Bitwine for good this time. But thank you so much for all the words of support. It means a lot to me.