So it has been exactly 5 months since I had the worst experience of my life Ina relationship, have never been hurt, humiliated and betrayed like this my entire life, and as always the person Who did this was the most trusted, most loved and cared one. Someone that I considered myself lucky to have known and to have in mylife. Someone that I did anything I could to help and support and make happy. I thought I was there in sadness and happiness as they say, and I have to say I always thought feelings were mutual (silly me). And now looking back, I wasted exactly five months of my life, went though the worst possible pain (as far as relationship pains of course, I am sure there are way worse out there) and lost an opportunity, failed a very important exam which is going to cause me at least one year of my life, came down with pneumonia because my immune system just collapsed and could not handle the pain anymore and like this all was not enough I maxed all my credit cards by getting to this psychic reading phase of my life. And this all happened thanks to my idiotic blind trust and love. And during this time that I was going through all these, what was the person of interest doing? Basically was having fun, traveling around the world, going to different adventures, enjoying his time, fulfilling some of the dreams he had, like motor biking across the country, moving to a new town, starting a new path in his life and starting to do something he really loved to do, and of course on top of all these not caring about me.
I made lots of excuses to myself, tried to understand why did he try to basically destroy me for good, my entire life and future could have been ruined by what he did to me. All these days I just said there should be something, this does not make sense, he would not do this to me, he is the nicest and greatest and sweetest person, there should be something. Tried to rationalize things to myself, tried to think he will come back, and will heal all the wounds he opened. Wll come and give me an honest and frank explanation, and I, of course will forgive him. I thought if I really believe in his honesty then i can understand and can forgive him.
Even one of the psychics I read with(do not remember the names as I ready with over hundred), after I told her what he did to me, sounding very surprised asked: and after all of things he has done to u, u still love him?
At that time I got angry and hung up on her because I thought I am not calling you to be judged, but now looking back, boy she was wise
And now I am getting angry, mad at myself. Just needed to accept from the get go that he was a jerk, only a jerk could do what he did to me (or maybe I am insulting jerks by calling him one!) the truth and reality is he does not give me a damn, is living his life happily and is going to move on and succeed by all means and here I am, destroyed my future, wasted my time and totally exhausted heading no where. This is not fair at all.
I think strongly all I need is just a closure, something that from the get go I knew I would never get unless if he comes back and tells me why he did that, no one else would know, I believe if I had that closure, I could have already moved on and would not be in this miserable situation of mine right now...
And now I know I will not get that closure, it was a painfully and harshly real lesson, I think if we people can learn to not analyze things and just accept them and move on, life would then really be life. And it should not be that difficult to do that, I mean now that I think about it, just by looking at how he was/is loving living his life, all those times that I was / am going through the worst pain, should have cleared it to me that he is garbage.
And now I am getting angry, knowing that perhaps I will not get that closure, and he will be happy and I, well I really do not know we're I might be heading... So this makes me angry.
I wish I did not have to close this with anger, but for my own sake of health and well being, I think I have no other option.
Just need to realize I might look like he ruined my future, but tomorrow is still mine...
