Help!!!

[Tjk197901]

Guy and gals I need some support or something, I am very outgoing but don’t dare tell anyone that I have called psychics!! It’s truly embarrassing to me that I have but man do I want to now. As I’ve stated I am moving 900 miles away from home on Sunday night. My estranged wife of 6 months asked to come to my apartment this past Saturday, she’s 46 and can be the sweetest or nastiest person ever. Unfortunately for me she’s a control freak. Anyways we talked for about 20 minutes and have been in contact everyday since. She was at first a little edgy but I get it, she filed for divorce 6 months ago. But then she got kinda nice and acted or to me it seemed that she may be willing to reconcile. So of course dumbass me goes overboard with the I love yous and miss yous etc etc. all right after I asked her to meet me for dinner one night this week before I leave. She has two children, one is 18 and difficult isn’t even the word. And one that is 16 who is the sweetest thing ever. I love them both but I wasn’t a perfect step father, but I have no children of my own so I’m not really a fatherly figure.anyways they are my wife’s EVERYTHING. And I mean that with all of my heart and soul. They are her ENTIRE life. Regardless she’s been nasty as all get out today and not sure she will even meet me for dinner. And reconciling….. forget about that the way she acted today. So maybe a question for women, men chime in as well,but is this because she feels she regained power? (She truthfully did) Is it to hurt me before I move? Is it she’s scared of me leaving her? I want to call psychics so bad but I CANT do it. I promised myself, my life I gotta do this alone. But I need some help or guidance. I don’t know what to do or think.  Thank so much everyone, I’ll take any info I can get

[Joy]

I think what I am going to say will sound rough and/or a tad rude, but it is likely because she has psychological issues. I mean, we all do to some extent, but there is an averagely healthy range, and then there is dysfunction. From what I read, it sounded like before your wife chimed in, you were just on your way to reclaim yourself again. Nothing good comes out of having to walk on eggshells around someone that goes from sweet to nasty and is controlling.

Questions for you (dig deep before you answer and be honest with yourself): Do you really, but really love her, or do you feel more like used to this person (familiarity, memories, attachment), feel some kind of duty to stay, fear you can't do better, fear of not knowing what lays ahead and the old and familiar is better? When was the last time you and her were happy together consistently? Does she make concessions to make you happy equally to the concessions you make and vice versa?

You see, from the moment you are born until the moment you exit this world, people were, are, and will come in and go out of your life one way or another - we break up with people, people die, we marry, we divorce - life happens. If you look at the big picture, other people are meant to come in and out for varying duration of time. It's how it is. There is only one person that is always there with you and holds your hand from beginning to end, and after that and that person never leaves you and it is to that person, before all other people, that you owe love and you ought to make that person really happy. That person is you! Time to go make that person happy in a healthy way and love that person enough to say, "Ding-dong, crazy wife! I deserve to never have to ask such questions again. I deserve so much better!"

[Tjk197901]

Excellent way of putting it. I do love her and I do love the kids. But do I want to walk on eggshells everyday to make the kid happy all the time? I get it, trust me I do. But I TRULY love this woman. I’m. It bad looking, I have a lot going for me, but I cant just let her go. I mean I will if I have to, but I am moving 900 miles away from her because I can’t stand to see her out and about. We live in a tiny tiny town. She I feel does have issues as we all do and I believ menopause is also kicking in which has got to be tough as well. It just sucks, two days ago I was gonna cancel my move and be out about $30,000. Today I’m like move, maybe time apart will be good. My lease is 15 months and as we get older that a blink of an eye. Absolutely loved the way you put that together, Joy. Thank you. Life’s just hard and I wanna damn reading lol. I won’t promise

[Joy]

Well, it is good that you love her, but there were a couple of other questions, and they actually reveal if she loves you, too, and if it can be functional. It takes two. Menopause can be kicking in, but if she was sweet or nasty and controlling, that's not really balanced.

You can bend over backward, and she will make you bend even further is what I see from your explanation...

When I did a meditation class, they also talked about manifesting, running energy, and balance. One of the important things is that knowing how to give love is not enough. A healthy equilibrium is an equal ability to give and take and not settle for less.

I don't know if you guys have done counseling (no psychics). That would be a better way to address issues with her in a productive way if you think that you two are good together.

Instead of calling a psychic, just call out the wife. She will either go sweet or nasty and you already know that even without a psychic

Relax. You will be just fine

[jackY]

Move. You have been in a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship--you're the co-dependent. You make excuses for her behavior. Attachment like this is never healthy. Move. If you're "meant" to be together, it will happen. Or, you'll get a new perspective in a new place being around new people. Hate to break this to you, but she isn't going to change. She manipulates and you fall for it every time. That's not love. You need to explore why you want someone like this in your life because it's not love. Something about her dysfunction is really comfortable for you--even when it makes you uncomfortable.

[Tjk197901]

Thanks Joy and Jacky. I a moving. I made the plunge and leave Sunday one way to another. I am guessing why I like the way she treats me is because I’m an addict, an alcoholic, in recovery with a year and a half but always will be an alcoholic. Sad but true. Truthfully I’m an addict period. Whether it be smoking, gambling, drinking whatever it maybe if it’s unhealthy I like it. I am hoping we can figure it out but it’s gonna take a long time or we’ll be divorced. I’m ok with either. I’d rather her just be mean or nice. Not both. It’s so hard, I truly think she maybe a narcissist. Her first husband most certainly was and this is almost like payback for what he’s done to her.

[maroonlight]

I will be 100% honest with you. I recently walked away from a very controlling and manipulative relationship like how you described. It wasn’t the first time that I tried to walk away and then he did the same thing - all lovey and I miss you, let’s work it out etc. but then when we got back together the first time things went back to how they were. People 9 times out of 10 do not change. They say they will, and may for a short while, but old habits die very hard, and when they get comfortable again, the toxicity returns. He would always tell me to get the fuck out and leave but when I wanted to do just like he wouldn’t let me.

It’s all about control and manipulation. We broke up for good in November. At first I was sad, but I reminded myself that we broke up for a reason and I focused on everything that went wrong in our relationship. If you don’t see yourself in a situation for the rest of your life, do something now and change it.

I’m very proud that you did not call the psychics. I struggled with the psychic addiction several years ago and now I am free. Once in a blue moon I will call one but I don’t spend more than probably $50 on them a year now. The less you call the better.

Please do your best to move on from her and although times are tough and the transition is hard, one year later you will be very thankful you did it. I can promise you that. Don’t make the same mistake that I did and let her suck you back in over and over again. Narcissists are extremely manipulative and are very skilled at guilt tripping and playing victim when you don’t want to put up with their BS anymore.

[Tjk197901]

Thank you. I continue to keep on keeping on as they say. It’s probably driving her crazy that I am not reaching out to her begging or pleading for something. I won’t do it. I am just going to keep moving forward. As Jacky said if it is meant to be it will be. Thank you so much for your insight.

[jackY]

You GOT this. Nothing changes if we keep doing the same things. We don't need psychics to tell us that. Addiction is tough and I am so happy to hear that you've been taking the steps to get your life figured out. Keep us posted!!