Not exactly psychic related, but what would you do?

[Caroline10]

A former poi is a serial cheater. He may be trying to remedy this, but he has been known to have secret liaisons, hides condoms in his car, and does not always use protection. This is what I know but do not know if he’s changed for sure.

I don’t know his girlfriend and don’t want to get involved, but wondering if she should be gently warned about what she’s getting into. Or just let it be and let time reveal this side? He has caused a lot of pain in his past with several women. Thanks!

[Oisin16]

A former poi is a serial cheater. He may be trying to remedy this, but he has been known to have secret liaisons, hides condoms in his car, and does not always use protection. This is what I know but do not know if he’s changed for sure.

I don’t know his girlfriend and don’t want to get involved, but wondering if she should be gently warned about what she’s getting into. Or just let it be and let time reveal this side? He has caused a lot of pain in his past with several women. Thanks!

I think you should let it be, she will find out on her own, if you contact her the first thing she would do is to tell him

[Caroline10]

Thanks-you’re right. She’ll find out

[massine]

Thanks-you’re right. She’ll find out

You're sweet for caring but she could be super defensive and start a fight with you. As tough as it is, she'll soon learn
Congratulations on getting out of that messy situation though! <3

[Caroline10]

Thank you 😊
I hope that he’s turned around but you never know.

[massine]

Thanks-you’re right. She’ll find out

You're sweet for caring but she could be super defensive and start a fight with you. As tough as it is, she'll soon learn
Congratulations on getting out of that messy situation though! <3

A former poi is a serial cheater. He may be trying to remedy this, but he has been known to have secret liaisons, hides condoms in his car, and does not always use protection. This is what I know but do not know if he’s changed for sure.

I don’t know his girlfriend and don’t want to get involved, but wondering if she should be gently warned about what she’s getting into. Or just let it be and let time reveal this side? He has caused a lot of pain in his past with several women. Thanks!

Wtf?!
You want to tell your FORMER POI’s the person they are CURRENTLY seeing that  YOUR FORMER POI is a serial cheater?  There’s nothing “sweet” about that scenario !

I’m sorry but i feel this is underhand behavior. And what I say next and I mean this super GENTLY as possible: check yourself

Yes, on one you hand I’m sure you care and have empathy for all beings, and so forth. But why does their behavior still bother you? What does their behavior have anything to do with you? It shouldn’t... if they’re in the past and it’s former... so I do think there’s still hidden layer of resentment for that former POI... or something that may still hurt

which BE CAREFUL this could be sabotaging behavior masked with things that one presume as caring behavior

Wow...
All I said was she was sweet for caring for the other girls well being, and I stick by that. I didn't say the situation was sweet, I said Caroline caring about the feelings of the other person was ,sweet even though she had been hurt. Sometimes other people care too much about people who are in the same situation they were in and being empathetic is hard! But I'm glad we agree on the same outcome.

I'm a trainee professional in mental health and I understand how sometimes people are driven by altruistic views and I viewed this situation from that standpoint (wanting to help others in a perceived negative situation similar to one we've experienced) rather than a sabotage Situation but I see where you're coming from too

[massine]

Yeah - no, let me apologize !!!

I felt initially angry reading the situation and the idea of the it being “sweet”, but thanks for clarifying that cause I did misread that too, and presumed/assumed something else

However I do think if it bugs her enough to talk about it, and I guess this probably a start with the boards, but perhaps someone in their immediate circle of friends or with a professional

Oh gosh no lol I should've clarified that, sorry! Definitely talking with a professional would be a good idea especially if trashy men like that can so freely cheat and lie! Been there, done that, had the therapy 😭😂

Plus having a good rant to friends is always a good idea!

[Caroline10]

Thanks for the input. I don’t wish to get involved and interfere. That’s not what I want to do...there’s no revenge or wanting to see him suffer. I was hurt, yes, but there are other women that I know who were hurt because they trusted in someone who appears to be kind and decent, but really has another side that could is deceitful and cold. And possibly put another woman at risk health-wise. When I knew the truth, he didn’t want me to tell anyone because it would damage his reputation. I do know that he cheated on her for sure. I don’t keep in contact, but it makes my stomach turn that yet one more person is going to have something happen that she doesn’t deserve.

What bothers me is that I feel like someone else is about to get hurt, and I’m sad for her. My take was that if I trusted in someone and they turned out to be an asshole the whole time, I might have wanted an idea. This only comes from a place of feeling like this was a painful lesson-for me and other women-and I hate to see someone else be a victim.

As far as counseling goes and friends go, I have both the counselor feels that he suffers from a personality disorder or sexual addiction. I only decided to reach out here because so many of us are or were dealing with relationship issues. Maybe someone else here was in a situation where they wish they’d have known.

[Caroline10]

Thank you for the advice! It would be different if this were someone I knew and since I don’t know her, it could potentially make things worse or backfire. Whatever happens with this will happen and I can’t worry about it-this involves them and their path

[jolimano]

I have a newer friend who was in a long term relationship. She felt a powerful connection with him when they first met and she thought they were going to go far. I only met her boyfriend once, and I immediately got a, "Whoa, he is not genuine and too 'perfect' of a guy" and I felt like, a sociopath type of energy from him. But since my friend and I hadn't been friends that long, I could very much be wrong so I didn't say anything to her. She surely must know him better than I do, right?

A couple months later his behavior had been changing and she got suspicious, so she dug through his stuff and found out he had been cheating on her with many, many women. She was traumatized and her whole world came crashing down.

It's hard to say. If someone knew that about my POI, I would definitely want to know and appreciate that person telling me. But there is a difference with telling a friend, as opposed to telling a stranger. Your heart is in the right place, but telling a stranger can have too many negative chain of events.

[Caroline10]

Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry for your friend. The guy sounds like a sociopath 😥 I just feel helpless to really do anything, and the toll this took on his ex and other women-me included-was unimaginable. I guess it was more than just his cheating ways, it was the secrets and lies, the way that he seems like a completely different person than he actually is so it’s very difficult to know for sure who he is.  I hate to see someone else get hurt, but it seems like I just need to let it be and know that whatever happens will happen.

[jas]

Quick Story:  There is a man I have known my entire life - we are the same age, we grew up in the same town.  He is as handsome as they come and can charm the rattle of a snake.  When we were teenagers he looked like Tom Selleck and still does.  He and my cousin were best friends - my mother and my aunt wouldn't allow me to go out with him because they knew exactly what he was like and that he was running through every girl in town.  He cheated and lied to girls/women as if it was nothing.  Finally, at the age of 28, he wanted children.  He met the right woman settled down and became faithful. 

The point is that this guy may change so if you warn everyone woman coming down the pike that he is "bad news" it isn't fair.  Seems like everybody wants to blame bad behavior on "personality disorder" or "sociopath".  I know the woman that encountered the man above would have said those things, but the truth is they just aren't true.  He was a teenager/man with a lot of testosterone and he was on the hunt.

The person you need to help the most is yourself - don't get in the middle of it and allow yourself to possibly get burned again.

[LillyPad99]

Quick Story:  There is a man I have known my entire life - we are the same age, we grew up in the same town.  He is as handsome as they come and can charm the rattle of a snake.  When we were teenagers he looked like Tom Selleck and still does.  He and my cousin were best friends - my mother and my aunt wouldn't allow me to go out with him because they knew exactly what he was like and that he was running through every girl in town.  He cheated and lied to girls/women as if it was nothing.  Finally, at the age of 28, he wanted children.  He met the right woman settled down and became faithful. 

The point is that this guy may change so if you warn everyone woman coming down the pike that he is "bad news" it isn't fair.  Seems like everybody wants to blame bad behavior on "personality disorder" or "sociopath".  I know the woman that encountered the man above would have said those things, but the truth is they just aren't true.  He was a teenager/man with a lot of testosterone and he was on the hunt.

The person you need to help the most is yourself - don't get in the middle of it and allow yourself to possibly get burned again.

Agreed. Stranger or friend, stay out of it (unless it’s a CLOSE/Best Friend situation). Most people shoot the messenger whether they know you or not. Stay out of it and any of his future relationships. I’m not sure of your age or his demeanor/personality (or pettiness lol), or your state, but speaking from a legal perspective, you could have legal ramifications if you got involved **and he found it** and chose to do something about it.  It’s rare, but I have seen enough such cases that I always tell people to just mind your business and keep it moving.

[Caroline10]

Thanks so much. People can change, I think, but I’m almost positive that this is a case of a personality disorder. There’s too much damage from too many people, for too long.
I once wrote out every detail of something that felt off/narcissistic traits that I saw and there were over 100 examples. (So that was in counseling, and the counselor said likely it would take years of intense therapy for him to be able to change)

Not impossible, but he probably still is the same-or will go back to his old ways.

Still, nothing good can come from any attempt to help, even though I don’t want to see yet more people hurt.
So I’m going to just let this all go and hope that she can see who he is...thanks for the thoughts on this. It really makes a difference.

[njlady]

I get how you feel.  There is one man I was involved with for a few years and the things he was doing ... just, wow.  The day that everything went down, I was doing the "who are you?" because clearly I had no idea and paid dearly for it.  I really don't want anyone else to go through what I did but I'm sure he's done it again.  And again.  I don't know who he dated after me, who he is with now, nothing, but if I did I would be tempted to warn them if I thought there was the slightest chance they would listen.

Do you know anything about her personality?   That is something I would take into consideration. Do they have a receptive personality, the kind of person that would hear you out, take an unfiltered look at their situation and see if it anything applies?  Or are they a he would never do that to me, I'm smarter than you are, he loves me more, he's changed and every other excuse attitude type.  Yes he would, probably not, I doubt he is capable of loving anyone never mind you and not a snowballs chance in Hell.

I had a friend who was contacted by her fiance's ex-wife and she warned her that he was nothing like he seems, he's an abuser, he's going to start isolating you and cut off anything that doesn't involve him, someone else had warned her too but she didn't listen, everything.  She married him anyway because he "loves her sooo much and they have something so special" along with some Jesus tossed in.  A few months later he was beating both her and her child regularly. It took her years to get out of it, she lost a lot of what she had worked for and her child was totally screw up.  Oh and she now had a CPS file and a couple of serious arrests on her record so good luck with reinstating that professional license. 

About "changing", stopping a behavior doesn't mean someone has truly changed.  That comes from within.  Many people can stop a behavior when it suits their needs and don't have any compunctions about doing it all over again when their situation changes.