Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story

Has your POI Come back while you were actively waiting?

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sunshineluv7:
That's grief hun. Totally normal. And yes, it's hard but we do grieve living people when they leave our lives like that.

I really highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded-ebook/dp/B001NLKYIS/ref=sr_1_7?dchild=1&keywords=grief&qid=1588813659&sr=8-7

Losing people we love is HAAAARD and one way I tried to cope with it (personally) was by getting readings. I liked the readings with the outcomes I wanted (duh), and it allowed me to skip over the present (where I was so unhappy) and kind of live in the future mentally so I didn't have to deal with how I was feeling.

But you're so much freer when you go into the not-fun feelings and process them. To me, that's what stopped the "waves" of sadness and missing etc.

And mentally, I had to learn - if I was going to keep getting readings - that I had to watch myself for using it as an avoidance tactic. E.g. was it stopping me from facing my REALITY in the present.

A lot of this has to do with distress tolerance skills - or did for me anyway - which I was severely lacking in. "A key ingredient of distress tolerance is the concept of radical acceptance. This refers to experiencing the situation and accepting the reality of it when it is something the person cannot change. By practicing radical acceptance without being judgmental or trying to fight reality, the client will be less vulnerable to intense and prolonged negative feelings. "

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/distress-tolerance-dialectical-behavior-therapy-0117134

sunshineluv7:
Be gentle with yourself, too.

It's totally OKAY that you still feel how you feel. Could it be just a bad day? With me, I've learned that some days are just bad days emotionally (where I feel hopeless, etc) and other days I'm balanced and can look at this objectively and be a little hopeful. So now I can tell myself "It's just a bad day, relax self" etc. Instead of kind of thinking this is it *Forever*. But that's kind of my own ghosts I deal with lol.

The COVID thing has everyone going a little nuts because it's hard to just live life as we normally might, there are a lot less distractions to entice ourselves with to pull ourselves out of moping about a relationship we wish was different. 

Natashanyc:
I agree with theawakened1 and I also have a question to whomever wants to answer from this thread ...

What would you do in the event you were “waiting” and a new person found interest in you and shows better qualities than the poi you are waiting on ? Do you dismiss the opportunity because you are focused on who u believe you are in love with or do you take a leap of faith and explore someone new? What if the new opportunity was a better kind of man/woman for you ?

_sydney_vicious_:

--- Quote from: Realrealwater on May 07, 2020, 12:11:52 AM ---
--- Quote from: _sydney_vicious_ on May 06, 2020, 11:56:42 PM ---Okay so I believe I fall into your category so I can probably tell you my story.

My boyfriend who we'll call Ryan and I dated for two years before breaking up in September 2018. The breakup was my fault and I was devastated (before you ask, there was no cheating involved). Anyways we were officially broken up for six months but during those six months it definitely got heated at times and it was getting to the point where I fully resented him. I was definitely binging on readings around that point too. 90% of the readers said they saw us reconciling in the spring or the summer. Well what reunited Nick and I was a music festival. I'd gotten both of us tickets prior to the breakup and since we were getting along better by March he asked if he could go, and I agreed since I hadn't sold the ticket yet. However I remember by that point I was kind of over it, and tired of trying to win him back. Since this festival was out of town Nick and I would be staying together for almost a week straight - something we hadn't done since the breakup. I remember being nervous and kind of dreading it. I drove us there and all I remember thinking was that I made a mistake about agreeing to take him and how wished he wasn't there so I can be "single". Well by the second day of the festival he told me he sees a future with me and wanted to get back together. But the weird thing is I didn't feel anything when he told me. I was still mehh about it because I think I was over it (he had been wishy washy about getting back together prior to this weekend). Anyways I never told him any of how I really felt, and decided to get back with him. I told myself to take this for a test drive for the next couple of months to see if my mood would change - it took an entire MONTH AND A HALF for me to feel things for him again (a part of me feels like my guard was up since he was 50/50 prior to this). We are back together and have been for almost a little over a year now, and thankfully my feelings for him have completely changed since that weekend.

--- End quote ---

Hey hun, by getting resentful etc does that mean you guys were still in contact in some way during these 6 months ?

--- End quote ---

Correct, for the most part we were still texting but would maybe only see each other once every two or so weeks IF things were calm and there hadn't been a fight or anything that week. I mentioned our breakup was six months, however the fourth month of our breakup we didn't see or speak to each other at all. I think for me this was when the resentment grew even more which caused me to feel the way I did when we got back together.

I do want to add in that during these six months I did try and date other people, but to be honest the breakup was on my mind and I put myself out there when I wasn't ready. Nick too was seeing other girls and I guess he was in the same boat I was in. But during those six months of a break, neither one of us dated other people in a serious or even semi-serious matter.

russianred:
This question has always fascinated me.  I just had started to give up hope and move from longing to some anger when POI came back.  It was about 2 and a half months from when I broke it off (which triggered me to binge) to when he came back.  Throughout that time the ball was in his court as to whether we would reunite (long story but will discuss via PM if you want).  I had drastically reduced my readings by that point and the couple I got were negative.  We were still in contact throughout the time apart.  So this wasn't a years without contact and then he finally came back situation.  I know some of you probably think of 2.5 months as nothing, and I get it!

I don't think that you shouldn't beat yourself up for waiting.  I think that makes the pain of waiting even worse.  And I can relate to feeling OK some days but then having it all come crashing back down on me on others.  That being said, I also think that our brains can overstate how fantastic POI is through the obsessing, longing, wishing, and readings.  I know people have different views about soulmates, etc. and I'm not sure where I fall on that, but for a little while, I was basically thinking of him as if he was the only man in the world with whom I could ever feel a connection again.

I don't know if I agree with the idea that either someone will want to come back or not, though, I just feel like there have been too many stories where the POI comes back after the person stops binging on readings and stops waiting around for him.  I would be curious if someone had POI come back after maintaining consistent readings and hopes.

One concept I found helpful during this time is the distinction between moving on and moving forward -- the former being the "I'm done, screw him" energy and the latter being more of the "I'm hopeful but I'm also not closing myself to other opportunities" energy, which allows you to be at least open.  Not sure if I ever mastered that though as I'm a black-and-white person. It also helped for me to meditate on the concept of control -- my desire for controlling the outcome and timing of whether we reunited, my desire to control his own journey, and my attempt to control a situation where I had virtually no control through psychic readings.

I hope this helps.  I enjoy reading the responses.

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