I had my whole story written out but I guess all you need to know really is this: it's been back and forth as more than friends for two long years, long distance, we've known each other for 15+ years.
I can tell you that on this path... my trusted/tried and true readers have said this guy is mine long-term, etc., if I want him, but it's going to be my choice. The only way it wouldn't happen is if I chose someone else. And based on my levels of frustration lately and feelings and what they see, they actually now say it's highly probable I end up choosing this other person they see me meeting (we'll see).
And for the longest time I couldn't even fathom the idea of someone else. But I guess after a year of being the one who's been keeping conversation going and not really seeing much of an indication of what he wants and facing rejection after rejection, eventually it wears you down. And the last few weeks I've been thinking this all over, and I'm at the point where, no matter who he was to me in the past (and we have a very long history) - and I still cherish that memory - sometimes people change, in ways that don't work for you, and sometimes people grow apart. I don't know if we grew apart, because he hasn't really been trying. But this person who doesn't try, who doesn't make his intentions clear or make me feel loved without even saying it - I don't know him. that person, was the one I had known and is nowhere to be found. The person who was my best friend - nowhere to be found. The person who was the love of my life - who I was sure was the one, who everything made sense with - nowhere to be found.
I've been binging on readings lately, which is funny because it's not like anything that dramatic happened, but I'm forgiving myself and not ashamed as I mostly was in the past. And this time it's because despite the cost, I know I am nearing the end of needing it, because I've finally made a decision that feels like it's a soul decision - I've tried to make it before, to be tough on him if/when he came back, but now - it's more than that. Now, it's not about being tough. It's about, he would actually have to win me back. He's been back and forth many times over the past two years and each time it was a disappearance with no warning or explanation to me, sometimes after us being especially close and therefore all the more heart wrenching.
I spoke to Tajah (CP) for the second time tonight again, as her last reading was right in what can be verified so far - and she pointed out that with who he is today, even if he asked me to marry him today, I'd say no - and I hadn't considered that but after we got off the phone I thought about it and realized she was right. Very right. And I thought about how, this past year I've had no real or clear signs he wants a future with me, except from these readers - but ultimately... if it's not from the person, it doesn't really matter if it takes so long. Hope can only get you along so far before you realize it's not enough and your happiness needs to be in the now, and not in the past, OR in the future, as one of my readers helped me learn.
So this time, I am absolutely not reaching out to him, despite how bad the missing him might get, how the dreams might start coming and not let up, how it literally might feel like I'm walking around without my right arm, as it sometimes did. And you know what, even if he reached out to me - if I think about the pattern the past year, two years - that's not what I signed on for. I didn't sign on to be a "casual maybe backup option" - I signed up thinking I was getting into the adventure of a lifetime with one of my truest and most loved friends. Who has, unfortunately, not been much of a friend to me when he's decided it's no longer time to talk.
I guess I wanted to share my story to hopefully show someone that these stories, they really can go on for a
very long time if you're talking because of a confusing guy that you have a complicated and lengthy history with. This one isn't even done yet, I highly suspect / know he will be back on his own at some point, even if it's 6 months from now or more. It's very rare that people make that type of connection with someone that it lasts for almost 20 years at this point, and I don't know anyone who would seriously just stop talking to someone like that, for good - but people are strange, and if that's who he really is then, good riddance anyway. I can tell you this - I will no longer be waiting for him, and I really am truly going to try to move on, because now when I think about it, I truly think - what am I waiting for?
A guy who can't talk to me about what's going on with him after knowing me for this many years?
A guy who hasn't told me he loved me in months and months and months?
A guy who leaves me as an option, open for others to steal away?
A guy who is too scared to move forward, in case we fail as a couple?
A guy who is too scared to break it off completely, because he knows it might be a big mistake?
That's the reality. Prior to now, I was waiting for the guy who was my best friend, who was always there for me, who never would have done anything like this. Who would answer the phone at 4 am, and send me flowers by surprise after getting my address in some sneaky way. Who had cute nicknames for me and was my sounding board. But that person seems to have evaporated, morphed into someone else that I don't even recognize and who has been acting towards me in ways that anyone would deserve better than. Let alone someone who has been a close friend for that long.
I thought about it today and realized that even if he does come back, the only thing I'm prepared to offer him at this point is friendship, and that only as a way for him to prove himself before I can consider more. If he wanted to come back in order to be friends, I would say no, because I haven't even seen friendship from him, true friendship where he cares about my feelings and how I'm doing, in a very, very long time.
So, as far as the readers...
The ones I have stuck with, all basically say the same thing. But to me now, it almost doesn't matter, because I really can't go on waiting, and the person I know him as today - well, I don't want that person. Even if he called me tomorrow and said a lightbulb went off and promise the moon and stars, I wouldn't believe him. I'd need to see it in action.
But tough situations - things like this - for me, I have grown, tremendously, through this last two years. I have actually become the weakest I have ever been, and then the strongest I have ever been. I have reconnected with God, and my faith. And yes, the readers along the way have helped at times as well, but really they were more crutches when I was at some very very low points. I did also see a therapist, but the readers are on-demand and much easier to connect with then a therapist. So they always won, even though I disliked the financial cost.
There is absolutely psychic ability out there - some people connect better with others, just like real life - BUT, even the best, it's like seeing a car accident from different angles. Nobody can see *everything*. And even the best with timing won't get it all the time. I believe God lets the "more connected" see enough to get us through, but not enough to skip whatever growth the whole experience is ultimately meant for. And it will cost you. But, whenever anything is broken it costs money - cars, computers, bones, etc. A broken heart/broken spirit - don't beat yourself up, or feel ashamed, for what you need to do to keep going.
Don't get too stuck on asking/wondering why. The truth is, the "why" doesn't matter. The question is, what are you going to do,
now? With things as they are
today? And also, not to ever put your faith or majority of your happiness in another person. To remember they can turn on you whenever. Enjoy it while you can, let go as fast as you can.
And to continually accept that life very often may not go the way you think it ought to. That the people you love the most will ultimately let you down at some point, maybe in major ways, maybe repeatedly, and you've got to be able to find something else to grab on to find your happy place. Try not to make it a psychic
But if you need the (very expensive) coaching/psychic help, don't beat yourself up for it.
Don't get caught up on timing as much as you can, and try really hard not to use readings as an emotional crutch, even though it's so hard when they are a click away. For me, whether they are right or wrong doesn't matter as much as helping me get through the moment/the present, but of course I love when they are right -- if it's a good thing. I've also seen negative predictions come true.
And if a few years from now I look down at my left hand and see a ring given me to the guy I'm writing this about, I'll be shocked and amazed. It would also make sense. But if I don't, this part of my life will be remembered as the hardest thing to date I've ever gone through. And I'm pretty relieved that I know I finally have the strength to truly look at this situation, and at him when/if the time comes, and say Enough is Enough, that he doesn't get to treat me like this anymore and stay in my life, and truly mean it. Maybe that means it's too late, that he's already lost me. Historically when I've gotten to that point, it's already done. But, I guess we'll see.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
