@beachgal214 - my heart goes out to you. I have been down this road a few too many times.
What I can say from years of heartache is that there is no such thing as closure in the sense that we normally think of it. The last guy who broke my heart, I finally (after more than a year) got him to meet me in a private location and talk. He apologized (for leaving me for another girl). He obviously was still into me and wanted to hook up. He told me he knew he'd made a mistake. But he did not leave her. In fact, a few months later he proposed to that girl and they are now married. What did I get out of my 'closure' conversation? More unanswered questions and more mysteries that kept me hanging onto the shreds of something that was long gone.
The truth is, I don't think men who do these kinds of things normally know WHY they do what they do. If they possessed that kind of logical reasoning powers they probably would be back on your doorstep. Instead they have excuses and fears and things they will say because they hate being wrong or the bad guy. They have bullsh*t they will spew to stop you from closing the door for good, so they still feel like they have a shot. They have their own desires for your attention or to see what you will say that keep them pushing the boundaries. But they don't have an explanation, at least not one that's going to make you feel any better.
When I think about this for myself, I realize that I am the same. I can't tell you why I want to be with one person and not another. I can tell you things that are great about them and things that might annoy me about someone else, but those are really backfilled logic. You could put someone else in front of me with the same qualities and I might feel completely different. Our reasons are at best an awkward translation of feelings that can't be put into words.
These days when I think I want closure, I ask myself what I could possibly hear from the other person that would change my tomorrow. If they wanted me back, I would know it. If they say they made a mistake, does that help me feel better? No, it just messes with my head. If they tell me they left because the other woman was softer or prettier or better in bed, does that truly help me to move on? No, it just gives me a new detail to obsess about. What truly helps me to move on is to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the universe loves me too damn much to expect me to spend my life pining for someone who can't see my worth.
joyjoy is right. The yes/yes but not now/no because there's something better is completely true. I met my current POI when I was just starting to get over the last one who had caused all of the drama and need for closure. Now I would not take the first guy back if he were the last man on earth. There will be another man and it will happen faster than you think once you decide to loosen your hold on the past.
Hugs to you, girl, and I second the vote on therapy. A great therapist is an incredible resource and you deserve to make that investment in yourself. You deserve to feel whole. You deserve to be able to let go of your past so you can embrace your future. xo
