I’ve been feeling depressed for the last five years some days are harder than others and when I look back on the five years I honestly can’t remember a time where I felt happy , where I felt like I can finally relax, where I felt like I’m happy to live another day , month or year. I tend to feel very depressed when goals that I have set for myself aren’t accomplished and not due to me not taking action but due to things that are out of my control I.e having to wait on other people, bosses or ex. I honestly don’t think I can go through another fucked up year where I’m not happy . I keep thinking if I made more money, found the man of my dreams, reconciled with my mother that I’ll feel happy but the scary thing is what if I get all those things and I don’t end up feeling happy and then I mess things up or what if I get those things and I end up feeling worse. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy