<Huge Trigger Warning> Is it okay to ...

[josh34]

EMOTIONAL TRIGGER WARNING. READ WITH CAUTION

I know this is not the place to put this, let alone anywhere on this forum, but I just wanted to ask somebody, and I don't know who else to ask, and I don't really have anybody to ask. And I thought that maybe it would help to ask those who are spiritual.






Is it okay to... Not go to a parent's funeral? Would I regret it if I don't go? They haven't died yet, but just thinking about it makes me feel beyond sad. I'm close to them. I talked with them and they are fine with it, and said they would understand.

 but I don't think I'd be able to emotionally be okay with seeing... what I'd see... as my last memory. But I'm really scared that when that day comes, that if I don't go, that I'd regret it.

I understand that morally, it's nobody's place, but my own, to say what's I should or shouldn't do, when the time comes, and I know it wouldn't be disrespectful to them. I know that everyone grieves in their own way. When one of my dogs died, a few days before, I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I love her very much. And I'm really glad I did because I wasn't expecting her to pass so early.

But with people who I love so much, like my parents, I won't be able to be okay emotionally, being there, and it would be more scarring to me than anything, being who I am. But I'm also scared I would regret it, having not been there. They told me that they know that I love them and that they would be completely fine if I don't go, and knowing how I am with my emotions, they understand entirely. But then again they are not religious, or spiritual, or anything, and this might sound stupid, but knowing that they currently view death as "who care's, I'd just be a body, that's it. I wouldn't be aware" and not view it as, "I would maintain that after death I would understand", kind of scares me. I believe there is more out there, and I'm kind of scared that they're only saying it's ok because they believe that that would "be it". I know that sounds really stupid to hear. I just need some advice for when this happens. Because I know that when it does, I won't be ok.

so, without telling me what I "have to do" or what not to do, because that's not what I'm looking for--- Do you think I would regret it? That's my question. I just wouldn't be able to handle that kind of loss, knowing what's... in... you know... yeah. It would hurt me so much to be there. But I also don't want to regret it.

I hope this doesn't hit too close to home with anybody, and I hope this is ok to ask here. I just want to ask, because I this is a really important thing to me, and they're important  to me, and I just want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me. Thank you.

[Fidget1028]

For me, I would regret. Could you do a memorial service instead? Or even a closed casket to avoid the "visual"?




EMOTIONAL TRIGGER WARNING. READ WITH CAUTION

I know this is not the place to put this, let alone anywhere on this forum, but I just wanted to ask somebody, and I don't know who else to ask, and I don't really have anybody to ask. And I thought that maybe it would help to ask those who are spiritual.






Is it okay to... Not go to a parent's funeral? Would I regret it if I don't go? They haven't died yet, but just thinking about it makes me feel beyond sad. I'm close to them. I talked with them and they are fine with it, and said they would understand.

 but I don't think I'd be able to emotionally be okay with seeing... what I'd see... as my last memory. But I'm really scared that when that day comes, that if I don't go, that I'd regret it.

I understand that morally, it's nobody's place, but my own, to say what's I should or shouldn't do, when the time comes, and I know it wouldn't be disrespectful to them. I know that everyone grieves in their own way. When one of my dogs died, a few days before, I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I love her very much. And I'm really glad I did because I wasn't expecting her to pass so early.

But with people who I love so much, like my parents, I won't be able to be okay emotionally, being there, and it would be more scarring to me than anything, being who I am. But I'm also scared I would regret it, having not been there. They told me that they know that I love them and that they would be completely fine if I don't go, and knowing how I am with my emotions, they understand entirely. But then again they are not religious, or spiritual, or anything, and this might sound stupid, but knowing that they currently view death as "who care's, I'd just be a body, that's it. I wouldn't be aware" and not view it as, "I would maintain that after death I would understand", kind of scares me. I believe there is more out there, and I'm kind of scared that they're only saying it's ok because they believe that that would "be it". I know that sounds really stupid to hear. I just need some advice for when this happens. Because I know that when it does, I won't be ok.

so, without telling me what I "have to do" or what not to do, because that's not what I'm looking for--- Do you think I would regret it? That's my question. I just wouldn't be able to handle that kind of loss, knowing what's... in... you know... yeah. It would hurt me so much to be there. But I also don't want to regret it.

I hope this doesn't hit too close to home with anybody, and I hope this is ok to ask here. I just want to ask, because I this is a really important thing to me, and they're important  to me, and I just want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me. Thank you.

[Fidget1028]

Or even better, a celebration of their life? Like a party where people share photos and memories. Hell, that's what I want!




EMOTIONAL TRIGGER WARNING. READ WITH CAUTION

I know this is not the place to put this, let alone anywhere on this forum, but I just wanted to ask somebody, and I don't know who else to ask, and I don't really have anybody to ask. And I thought that maybe it would help to ask those who are spiritual.






Is it okay to... Not go to a parent's funeral? Would I regret it if I don't go? They haven't died yet, but just thinking about it makes me feel beyond sad. I'm close to them. I talked with them and they are fine with it, and said they would understand.

 but I don't think I'd be able to emotionally be okay with seeing... what I'd see... as my last memory. But I'm really scared that when that day comes, that if I don't go, that I'd regret it.

I understand that morally, it's nobody's place, but my own, to say what's I should or shouldn't do, when the time comes, and I know it wouldn't be disrespectful to them. I know that everyone grieves in their own way. When one of my dogs died, a few days before, I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I love her very much. And I'm really glad I did because I wasn't expecting her to pass so early.

But with people who I love so much, like my parents, I won't be able to be okay emotionally, being there, and it would be more scarring to me than anything, being who I am. But I'm also scared I would regret it, having not been there. They told me that they know that I love them and that they would be completely fine if I don't go, and knowing how I am with my emotions, they understand entirely. But then again they are not religious, or spiritual, or anything, and this might sound stupid, but knowing that they currently view death as "who care's, I'd just be a body, that's it. I wouldn't be aware" and not view it as, "I would maintain that after death I would understand", kind of scares me. I believe there is more out there, and I'm kind of scared that they're only saying it's ok because they believe that that would "be it". I know that sounds really stupid to hear. I just need some advice for when this happens. Because I know that when it does, I won't be ok.

so, without telling me what I "have to do" or what not to do, because that's not what I'm looking for--- Do you think I would regret it? That's my question. I just wouldn't be able to handle that kind of loss, knowing what's... in... you know... yeah. It would hurt me so much to be there. But I also don't want to regret it.

I hope this doesn't hit too close to home with anybody, and I hope this is ok to ask here. I just want to ask, because I this is a really important thing to me, and they're important  to me, and I just want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me. Thank you.

[journalmuse]

I can't say how you would feel. I would regret not going. Having been to a parents' funeral, it was hard, especially at my age (teenager). But it was cathartic, in a way. I met a lot of his friends and got to hear how much they loved and respected him. And I would have felt like I wasn't supporting someone who did so much for me if I hadn't gone. I would have regretted not having the chance to stand up there and tell everybody and nobody how great my parent was. That's not to say there aren't perfectly respectable reasons not to go; only you can make that choice.

[username1111]

What part of that memory you think you would not like? seeing your parent's body without life? This part you can definitely skip.

But the funerals, or any kind of get together to celebrate the life of the person who passed is an important step into the grieving process. And also, its very ok to feel vulnerable, to cry, to loose your sh*t... trust me, nobody will judge that. In the contrary, those moments come with powerful / meaningful support. People can feel each other pains and the empathy that is felt during such times truly helps going through the motions. Try not to over think it too much. Take care.

[Natashanyc]

I’m really sorry you are troubled even thinking about this and what you are going through! I lost the closest person to me in 2012 and it was by surprise I was fairly young and I was unprepared because it was sudden and she was not sick. I remember trying to call her all day and no answer... when I found out why I ran in the middle of a Manhattan street and collapsed. Her funeral was ten days later I would never forget it. I didn’t want to go AT ALL. I couldn’t sleep for ten days, I know I looked like sht for 10 days but that last day I told myself I don’t want to be home and cry or be depressed. I had to find a way to keep going and also allow things she wanted to live on. I was also going thru keen and a bad relationship so that wasn’t helping but now years later I can say I made the best choice In goin to the funeral to embrace the love ppl had for her and her funeral was important to my grieving...she also had a msg for me there I believe so I’m glad I went . I would say go so that later you will have no regrets at all. Maybe helps the healing process even though it will only be a body...their spirit will always be with you. I think she’s probably one of my guides now because weird things happen to me that only she would do that’s why I wanted to find a great medium and I havnt yet unfortunately

[Wanderlust619]

I can't say how you would feel. I would regret not going. Having been to a parents' funeral, it was hard, especially at my age (teenager). But it was cathartic, in a way. I met a lot of his friends and got to hear how much they loved and respected him. And I would have felt like I wasn't supporting someone who did so much for me if I hadn't gone. I would have regretted not having the chance to stand up there and tell everybody and nobody how great my parent was. That's not to say there aren't perfectly respectable reasons not to go; only you can make that choice.

Ditto to this. I would need the closure but only you know what's best for you.  There are many ways to say goodbye.. funerals aren't for everyone. 

[Jeninmd2]

Hi Josh - I am VERY close with my parents, and on top of that am an only child and have no other family that I am very close with, so I know how devastated I would feel to lose one of them - and since they are in their 70’s now, I know it’s a very real possibility in the relatively near future. So I have debated this same issue for myself.

I’m only basing this on my own opinion of course, but I think you might regret not attending a service if one was held - although it would be difficult at the time, you might end up feeling in the long run like you missed out on an important opportunity to pay your respects. That being said, I think some of the potentially more traumatic parts of the funeral/memorial service process (i.e. an open casket viewing if there would be one) could be skipped without regret.

Hope all of our feedback from the board is helpful and helps you resolve this issue in your mind, since its something that obviously troubles you very much. Hugs to you!!

[Beesa]

I think you would regret it , because you're going to have grief to deal with either way, and avoiding the funeral doesn't mean you'll get to dodge grief, because you'll still have to deal with the grief. Funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. We're the ones who need the closure for grief. If the actual funeral is too much for you to attend then having a memorial service of your own , maybe some kind of celebration of life, would be better. Either way though, you will have grief to deal with, and turning away from it because it's too painful is really understandable, but it also is really unavoidable too. Everyone handles grief in their own way, and sometimes denial is part of it (it's one of the stages of grief as a matter of fact). Eventually you will have to look at it though. Losing people you love is painful, period - no one "wants" to go to a funeral. It's not the kind of thing you wake up looking forward to doing. So your reaction is understandable to an extent. You might find that you change your mind when the time comes. We can surprise ourselves. I didn't want to go to my grandmother's funeral , even though the woman raised me. I tried to avoid it but went anyway. It broke me but it also broke open the grief I was holding inside, and was part of the healing process. Give yourself time and don't make any promises you can't keep. It's really painful stuff, I'm sorry you're having to go through it.

[josh34]

Thank you so much for all the heartfelt replies. I'm actually sick right now, and was really anxious and nervous to read the replies, but I feel you are all probably right. I don't want to regret it. If it's an open casket, I can't go. But do you think it would be closure enough for me to see them lay the casket into the ground?

I don't know, I feel even seeing a closed casket there, knowing what's in there, would give me way too much anxiety to bear, and would cause me so much emotional distress so I am a little at a loss ): I'm sorry I'm worrying about this, when it's not even happening right now, and I am sorry if this was too close to home for anybody. I just love them so much and this is really important to me. Thank you so much for the support.

[doubleoh8]

Thank you so much for all the heartfelt replies. I'm actually sick right now, and was really anxious and nervous to read the replies, but I feel you are all probably right. I don't want to regret it. If it's an open casket, I can't go. But do you think it would be closure enough for me to see them lay the casket into the ground?

I don't know, I feel even seeing a closed casket there, knowing what's in there, would give me way too much anxiety to bear, and would cause me so much emotional distress so I am a little at a loss ): I'm sorry I'm worrying about this, when it's not even happening right now, and I am sorry if this was too close to home for anybody. I just love them so much and this is really important to me. Thank you so much for the support.

Hi there. I am going to echo the thoughts of the others who responded. In my opinion the anxiety of getting through the day would be preferable to -potentially- years of regret for not going. It's a closure and even though difficult, could be healing.

That said, a caveat: I had the unfortunate experience of seeing my father in an open casket. We had specifically asked for closed but the funeral home messed up and it was open. I did not like seeing my dad and the visual did stick with me for some time... so I totally get where you are coming from. In fact I won't get into details but it was a bit of a shock and I wish I could take back parts of the experience. SO -- my suggestion is that you talk to someone at the funeral home first, find out how the day will go and how you can be there and participate without having to see what you don't want to. There is probably a way.

Also, keep in mind that you may be in a different place (emotionally and psychologically) then. I think you said it's not happening now, right?

[Jeninmd2]

Thank you so much for all the heartfelt replies. I'm actually sick right now, and was really anxious and nervous to read the replies, but I feel you are all probably right. I don't want to regret it. If it's an open casket, I can't go. But do you think it would be closure enough for me to see them lay the casket into the ground?

I don't know, I feel even seeing a closed casket there, knowing what's in there, would give me way too much anxiety to bear, and would cause me so much emotional distress so I am a little at a loss ): I'm sorry I'm worrying about this, when it's not even happening right now, and I am sorry if this was too close to home for anybody. I just love them so much and this is really important to me. Thank you so much for the support.

Hi Josh - I don’t know you or your personal history so I hope I am not suggesting something inappropriate here, but please also remember you may be able to temporarily take an anti-anxiety medication for the day of the funeral (when that time comes) in order to help you make it theough the day.  One of my closest friends lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly a few years ago when they were both in their late 30’s/early 40’s - she was of course completely beside herself and I know she was prescribed and used a hefty dose of Xanax on the days of the funeral and the memorial service - which she did make it through. I’m not advocating medication as a first-line defense of course, but I thought it might help for you to keep in mind that when that day comes you may have some additional options for temporary help...

[Beesa]

Yeah, the open casket thing I could do without. I can empathize. I suppose some need it for a final goodbye but I consider it a bit ghoulish personally. Others find it comforting. You can do what makes you feel comfortable, Josh, no one will hold it against you. You thinking about this is acceptance of something painfully inevitable, but you don't need to make any solid decisions because there's a good chance you might change your mind when the time comes. People react in all kinds of ways to grief, cut yourself some slack and credit yourself with facing something that's very, very hard