Honestly you can't beat yourself over this. Look at it as a lesson learned. You know that these reading were like a ball and chain and now that you recognize it you can set yourself free. Only you can do this. You have the power to better yourself and life so don't keep yourself in this negative state and rise above it. You can do it. I honestly believe you attract what you are radiating. So if you love yourself others will also love you. If you are in a negative state of mind you will only be attracting negative things. Mainly because you can't see the positive things around you. Its the glass is half empty look of things.
@Elf, I was going to say much of the same. Know that now you've decided to stop, you can do it. You have set the wheels in motion by coming on here and stating your intention, as well as by writing about it and finding those techniques. Now try to be gentle with yourself and accept that there is a reason that you went down this path... and now there is the opportunity for a new path.
I know the advice of practicing self-love sounds so cliche and can be hard to do, but try to do small things that say 'I love you' to you. Gifts, baths, massage, little trips.... and as you do them think and feel love and kindness for yourself. And maybe instead of being angry at yourself and looking back at the 20 years, try to look forward and think 'I am so grateful that I see this for what it is now and I have a chance to start again'.
Not sure if that's a lot of help, but I just wanted to say something because your posts have helped me... and I appreciate your openness and courage for sharing your story.