Relationship Psychology Discussions > My Story

Issues with moving on

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sunandmoon:
Hey all, could use your advice and everyone here has such a level head on their shoulders and a unique perspective to r/s's.

I started to see someone the end of August. The r/s has progressed pretty quickly and I am thoroughly enjoying my time with him. He is very much into me and I admit it's been an eye-opener after 18 mos of my ex backing away and the past 9 of him barely giving me the time of day.

All this time I've made excuses for my ex, saying he didn't treat me like a friend because he actually still loves me etc etc. Of course the thousands spent on psychics who told me he was my sm and he'd be back. In reality, who really knows? Simple fact is, he doesn't want to be with me at this point in time and I was becoming more and more miserable and I didn't like that.

Moving on really clicked for me one day when I went to offer my ex help and he was completely rude to me and also mentioned another girl, which he has repeatedly done all summer. I was actually going to tell him that day that I couldn't sit around and wait anymore, but after him bringing her up again, a little switch flicked inside me and I said nope, I am done, he doesn't deserve a last chance.

I've told the new guy about this r/s and my past affair because there are people we work with who know my exs family. I feared him finding out 6 months down the line. He is dealing with the affair but he is very worried my ex will come back and say the magic words to whisk me away from him. There are no magic words I can say to my new guy to assure him that I won't. He thought I had said something to my ex that last time I went over there. He feels that because I told my ex I would wait for him (though I haven't said that since last year), that my ex feels secure in doing whatever he's doing because he knows I'm the one and that I am waiting (I specifically said I'd wait as long as he continued to give me signs and there have not been any signs for many months). I will be honest and say I have not mentioned my new r/s to my exs mother and I talk to her often. My new guy does park in my driveway overnight though, we go out often and he went away with me for work last weekend. So I'm not hiding him per se, I'm just not mentioning him to the exs family as I really don't want any issues right now.

I have not heard from my ex since that day I went over there, over 4 weeks ago. It's been the longest we've been in NC. He has not emailed me since mid-August which was odd as he was sharing something more with me than with his family. But I am tired of reading into every nuance with him. Maybe things just are what they are and he's just not interested in me at all anymore. He still has a double facebook life, he still has this other girl he talks to all the time. (she is "so in love with him" but still married and I don't believe they are physical though she is filling an emotional void in his life). In addition to the affair we had, the r/s he had in the winter was also an affair. Do I want a man who now seems to be attracted to married women? Oh and when we went out NYD, he was apparently in this r/s which means he cheated on her with me, which I didn't know for months. That day he drunkenly told me he loved me, missed me and wanted to make it better, but since the things have continued to go downhill.

Also my exs mom has never hesitated to let him know that I still loved him so he has had reasons to believe I'd still be waiting. I worry this will be a huge shock for him when he finds out. Unfortunately due to his personality traits there is no way for me to predict how he will react. He will either be angry or go the sad crying route. He could actively try to pursue me again. Then again you'd think if he were interested, he'd wear his favorite necklace that I replace for him a couple of months ago, after he lost in last winter.

I should note I really do feel I've moved on. I do have occasional twinges of regrets over what's happened in the past. Reading some recent success stories makes me feel as though I've given up too early, but really after 18 months I can't say I didn't try. I've actually deleted his texts off my phone since I started seeing the new guy, and have at least moved most of his pictures from out in the open in my house. That was an amazing feeling for me too as I never felt I'd be able to do that.

What are your thoughts? Do I owe the ex an explanation? He had a r/s in the winter he never told me about though I can see in hindsight that he alluded to it. I've never been in a limbo situation like this before. It is possible he will have a WTF moment when he realizes I've moved on and really start to push me and that's what my new guy is worried about. Until that happens and I reject him, my new guy will have this hanging over his head, though he has no doubts for how I feel about him.

optx88:
I don't think you owe anyone an explanation...especially if you didn't do anything wrong.

Do you like this new guy?  If so, then go with it and see where this can go.  You don't have to erase your ex from your heart in mind...in time that will happen on its own...where it is with this new guy or another new guy.

I would remove all pics of your ex.  That is not fair for your new guy to see that...plus it will also be good for you not to see it.

Also, you don't owe anything to your ex's mom.  You don't owe you're ex anything either.  If he does have the "WTF" moment...well...you will cross that bridge when you come to it.  Maybe you will have a choice...maybe not because it will be so clear what you will want.  But I wouldn't worry or think about that possibility now.

Enjoy the new relationship and see where it goes...you have every right :D

lightme:
you don't need to tell if you don't feel like it.
does your new guy want you to tell?
you don't want to tell because you worry he will come
after you? in this case then don't tell.

I thought if I am the new guy I would want you to tell.
I would want to see you to turn him down for me.

sunandmoon:
Thanks both of you! I AM enjoying this new r/s very very much.  :)

Yes, the new guy would like it if my ex knew because to him he would feel closure and that he wouldn't come back after me. Since it's an unknown, my new guy feels the ex just thinks he can come back whenever and will be in for a rude shock when he does. He's worried about what will happen. He is also confused as to why I would even consider taking him back after all he's put me through and I have tried to explain that while we are together that will NOT happen. But saying that just made him say, but that means if we weren't together you WOULD consider it <sigh>. This is what I get for going out with an intelligent man LOL. Then I try to explain that I may even (if I were single) not be willing to even try again but how would I ever know unless the situation was in front of me? All I can promise is that I won't cheat on him and I won't leave him unless WE decide things are not working out, because I promised myself when I started the r/s with him, that I would give it every chance to flourish. I am doing so and enjoying every minute of it.

Just had wondered what others have done.... and I guess I have a bit of co-dependency left in me. 2 postponed therapy appointments are not doing me any favors right now!

lightme:
i am so happy for you about your new love :)

shows that your new guy cares a lot about you. perhaps you may want to make decision by considering your new guy's feelings, afterall he is the important one to you now. or you can wait a while more for the both of you to deepen more, before you "let the wind out".

personally ( you don't have to listen to me, is just me ) i would tell, i don't want the old guy to keep thinking i still like him. but i will tell the mother, not him directly. just mention casually you are so happy now. or update in your fb. keep us posted. 

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