No man worth your time is worth all of this heartache

[Miss Philosopher]

I agree with a lot said here. I did want to add though that in some cases, the poi or ex will not ghost, but remain in somewhat consistent contact, maybe not daily, but weekly or something like that, after they've done you dirty and supposedly moved on to "start their new life". One has to ask themselves why that is. What's the motive. It can be because they really do want to remain friends and feel the two of you do better that way. However, more often than not, there is a self serving motive there and they will keep contact simply to keep you on a back burner as a fall back option without you really even realizing it.

This is just to say that, just because someone keeps in contact with you doesn't mean they really care and want to be a part of your life. I see a lot of people on here that say "If they really want to be with you then they wouldn't go without contact for long periods of time". Them remaining in constant contact can actually make it harder and be more of an emotional roller coaster and not be for the reason's one would hope for. In my opinion, contact doesn't even matter. It's what is their behavior toward you, what are they SHOWING you. Are they putting in any kind of efforts that are satisfactory for YOU.

And yeah, if you find yourself dealing with someone that makes you feel anxious and/or emotionally upset or traumatized.........most of want to figure out the reason why and that's why we call these psychics, when really we should probably be running for the hills and maybe someday we'll figure out the reason why and maybe we won't but at least we'll have our sanity and dignity in tact. lol

That's just my 2.5 cents.

I totally agree with all of this!  This was my situation and I should have cut ties with my ex LONG before I did. It keeps you constantly guessing as to what they want and why they are keeping it going.

A friend of my ex told me, right after we broke up...he holds people hostage emotionally. I was stunned and didn't believe it. Oh boy, now I do. Now I know exactly what that means.

You know what? That's a very enlightening way of putting it......holding people hostage emotionally. I wasn't really even aware of this type of thing until I began studying narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and just cluster B personality types in general. It was shocking to learn about but at the same time, it really helps the healing process along knowing that it isn't "just you". It's an issue within them that will not change unless help is sought out, which is highly unlikely. That friend of your ex was very wise and observant and it's a great thing that person shared that information with you. Very very good way of putting it.

[Miss Philosopher]

I agree with a lot said here. I did want to add though that in some cases, the poi or ex will not ghost, but remain in somewhat consistent contact, maybe not daily, but weekly or something like that, after they've done you dirty and supposedly moved on to "start their new life". One has to ask themselves why that is. What's the motive. It can be because they really do want to remain friends and feel the two of you do better that way. However, more often than not, there is a self serving motive there and they will keep contact simply to keep you on a back burner as a fall back option without you really even realizing it.

This is just to say that, just because someone keeps in contact with you doesn't mean they really care and want to be a part of your life. I see a lot of people on here that say "If they really want to be with you then they wouldn't go without contact for long periods of time". Them remaining in constant contact can actually make it harder and be more of an emotional roller coaster and not be for the reason's one would hope for. In my opinion, contact doesn't even matter. It's what is their behavior toward you, what are they SHOWING you. Are they putting in any kind of efforts that are satisfactory for YOU.

And yeah, if you find yourself dealing with someone that makes you feel anxious and/or emotionally upset or traumatized.........most of want to figure out the reason why and that's why we call these psychics, when really we should probably be running for the hills and maybe someday we'll figure out the reason why and maybe we won't but at least we'll have our sanity and dignity in tact. lol

That's just my 2.5 cents.

Great post.  I can so relate...

I agree keeping even in limited contact with some of these POIs can really mess with you more.  that's why I cut off all contact with first guy, hearing from him sporadically was just making it harder to move on.  It would get my hopes up.

Totally agree. Each contact we receive is like, ok have they come to their senses? Is one of these contacts going to eventually be them wanting to reconcile? Why are they contacting me? It MUST be because they still care. That's what it was doing to me. But, now, even though I still receive daily contact and yeah I'm getting the hints and sweet words and the wanting to half ass reconcile on his terms.........I put no thought into the contact being received. I just look at it like it's whatever and don't even expect to keep receiving it. It gets tiring and a lot of times I WISH he would have ghosted me and just didn't contact for an extended period of time. That way, that creates enough space for true healing to occur and then who cares if contact is made and when it is made.........again you're not really bothered by it and aren't interested anymore.

So true. that's why when some POIs come back, they are no longer POIs, because we are no longer interested.

I personally have no time or sympathy for inconsistent men.  You want to come back, show me something, that you're serious, or GTFO of my life.  Literally, have no patience for it.  Such a turn off.

Never let someone be in your life on their terms.  It's setting the whole pattern of the relationship to be on their terms..and you deserve more.

I would personally just ask the guy, listen, this is what I want, this is what I'm looking for.  See how they reply.  It sounds like this guy has been in your life long enough for you to set some boundaries.  If it scares him away, F him. 

Sorry, if that sounds harsh but I see so many great women sell themselves short for these guys.  So not worth it.

Yeah..........unfortunately I allowed him to set the whole pattern of the relationship from the beginning due to the situation with his kids and me feeling sorry for him. I didn't know how much of a lying snake he really was back then so I was just trying to compromise and be fair. After some time of repeated patterns, I began to lose all compassion for his situation and felt he shouldn't be around his kids anyway because of who he was and how he behaved. He presents himself to people as someone and something he's not. He even deceives his kids with that stuff. They don't even know who he really is. He's very good at playing roles. I have already told him time and time again what I wanted and that if he cannot provide that to me then to leave me alone. He just doesn't ever leave me alone. As stilltired mentioned, it appears that he likes to emotionally hold me hostage. He's part of the cluster B personality type.

[sawthelight]

My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well.  Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.

I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it

[Miss Philosopher]

My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well.  Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.

I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it

Yep. I completely agree. Situations even with kids doesn't mean one has to be treated like utter shit.

[sawthelight]

My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well.  Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.

I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it

Yep. I completely agree. Situations even with kids doesn't mean one has to be treated like utter shit.

I know.  there really is no excuse. 

At the end of the day, we all have our issues and problems.  It doesn't give us free reign though to mistreat others or ignore others who mean something to us. 

My mistake with first guy was fooling myself into believing he could eventually offer me what I wanted and needed from a man.  the readings egged this on (and that is why I am so against them for the most part now)....the constant "he will come around", "he will realize what he wants"; "he will come forward and  make changes"...he never did. 

He was pretty honest with me too about what he could or couldn't offer at the time.  I chose to wait around and for that I will forever regret.  But it taught me a lot that's for sure.  that's why second guy got cut off with a quickness when I saw similar patterns.

[ladya]

My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well.  Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.

I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it

Yep. I completely agree. Situations even with kids doesn't mean one has to be treated like utter shit.

I know.  there really is no excuse. 

At the end of the day, we all have our issues and problems.  It doesn't give us free reign though to mistreat others or ignore others who mean something to us. 

My mistake with first guy was fooling myself into believing he could eventually offer me what I wanted and needed from a man.  the readings egged this on (and that is why I am so against them for the most part now)....the constant "he will come around", "he will realize what he wants"; "he will come forward and  make changes"...he never did. 

He was pretty honest with me too about what he could or couldn't offer at the time.  I chose to wait around and for that I will forever regret.  But it taught me a lot that's for sure.  that's why second guy got cut off with a quickness when I saw similar patterns.

did your intuition tell you he would come around or not?

[sawthelight]

My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well.  Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.

I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it

Yep. I completely agree. Situations even with kids doesn't mean one has to be treated like utter shit.

I know.  there really is no excuse. 

At the end of the day, we all have our issues and problems.  It doesn't give us free reign though to mistreat others or ignore others who mean something to us. 

My mistake with first guy was fooling myself into believing he could eventually offer me what I wanted and needed from a man.  the readings egged this on (and that is why I am so against them for the most part now)....the constant "he will come around", "he will realize what he wants"; "he will come forward and  make changes"...he never did. 

He was pretty honest with me too about what he could or couldn't offer at the time.  I chose to wait around and for that I will forever regret.  But it taught me a lot that's for sure.  that's why second guy got cut off with a quickness when I saw similar patterns.

did your intuition tell you he would come around or not?

yes my intuition told me he would come around, and he did always come around, but never offered me what I wanted or needed.  So I had to break that pattern and stop wasting my time.

[ladya]

My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well.  Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.

I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it

Yep. I completely agree. Situations even with kids doesn't mean one has to be treated like utter shit.

I know.  there really is no excuse. 

At the end of the day, we all have our issues and problems.  It doesn't give us free reign though to mistreat others or ignore others who mean something to us. 

My mistake with first guy was fooling myself into believing he could eventually offer me what I wanted and needed from a man.  the readings egged this on (and that is why I am so against them for the most part now)....the constant "he will come around", "he will realize what he wants"; "he will come forward and  make changes"...he never did. 

He was pretty honest with me too about what he could or couldn't offer at the time.  I chose to wait around and for that I will forever regret.  But it taught me a lot that's for sure.  that's why second guy got cut off with a quickness when I saw similar patterns.

did your intuition tell you he would come around or not?

yes my intuition told me he would come around, and he did always come around, but never offered me what I wanted or needed.  So I had to break that pattern and stop wasting my time.

i meant come around in the way you needed. not just check in.

[sawthelight]

In the beginning, I held out a lot of hope that he would change..and the readers (some that you love in fact) told me the same.  Yes I did believe we would be together for a long while.  I would say only at the beginning of last year I really started to doubt.  I pretty much gave up by spring time...But I started reading on Keen about him in 2014!  and it took that long to get over him.

My intuition was skewed by readings, and I felt I cold no longer trust it after a while.  I'm past that now and see clearer, thank God.

[Miss Philosopher]

My first POI had tons of issues too, involving kids as well.  Still no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.

I had so much sympathy and empathy for him but he really did not deserve it

Yep. I completely agree. Situations even with kids doesn't mean one has to be treated like utter shit.

I know.  there really is no excuse. 

At the end of the day, we all have our issues and problems.  It doesn't give us free reign though to mistreat others or ignore others who mean something to us. 

My mistake with first guy was fooling myself into believing he could eventually offer me what I wanted and needed from a man.  the readings egged this on (and that is why I am so against them for the most part now)....the constant "he will come around", "he will realize what he wants"; "he will come forward and  make changes"...he never did. 

He was pretty honest with me too about what he could or couldn't offer at the time.  I chose to wait around and for that I will forever regret.  But it taught me a lot that's for sure.  that's why second guy got cut off with a quickness when I saw similar patterns.

Yeah I totally get why you would shun readings. I used to have a ton of readings outside of who I read with now that would do that. "Oh yeah he'll get it together" blah blah. But, my go tos would tell me that he will not change for an extended period of time. The thing that kept me hanging on though was their comments about "He means well, but he's just not in the position to make changes right now". So the whole thing about him meaning well.......I decided ok well if he doesn't have horrid intentions maybe I can just stick around and wait it out and maybe it'll be worth it in a few more years cause maybe he just needs to be around someone that can teach him different things. But, nope. No changes, same patterns, and all the "meaning well" in the world doesn't change shitty behaviors. To add to this, how the hell does someone "mean well" when they are cheating and lying and doing self serving shit? I could NEVER understand that part of it. I think the times he would come back around, that perhaps he "meant well" for those 5 minutes, but he just has such terrible habits and he never sticks to anything so maybe that's what they meant be "mean well". Lol. Idk.

I would definitely cut off another with the quickness now if I saw anything even close to the same type of crap. So, there's definitely a reason for these experiences we have. I know this one taught me about boundaries, self love, and self respect, albeit a very painful lesson.

[sawthelight]

A big part of the problem with my first guy was that I think he believed I would always be there, waiting for him..and why not?  I showed him that I was always there for him when he decided to come around even after no contact for a while.

I know he loved and cared for me too..that was obvious.  He was just dysfunctional AF tbh.  I really pity anyone who got involved with him after me...or anyone who was involved with him before me.  He's just not long term material.

[sawthelight]

In the beginning, I held out a lot of hope that he would change..and the readers (some that you love in fact) told me the same.  Yes I did believe we would be together for a long while.  I would say only at the beginning of last year I really started to doubt.  I pretty much gave up by spring time...But I started reading on Keen about him in 2014!  and it took that long to get over him.

My intuition was skewed by readings, and I felt I cold no longer trust it after a while.  I'm past that now and see clearer, thank God.

i believe our gut always knows the answer and intuition always comes first. its not good when it becomes the other way around and i see how that messed you up. It should only verify what you already know deep down and strengthen the intuition not mess with it more.

Eh I don't know.  If that's the case, why call psychics at all, if you know?  People call psychics (mostly) because they are confused by a person's behavior...and are looking for insight they can't see.  We might feel an emotional connection to someone and feel it's going to turn into something and then when things take a turn for the worse, we seek out readings to see if we are still on the right path.  I truly trusted the readings in the beginning. 

Hell, if I was still talking to and getting readings on that guy, I'm sure most of these readers would be telling me we are "meant to be" still.  I had to make my own destiny and decide not to put up with crap.

[sawthelight]

Here's an example:  I remember I had a date planned with first POI and I was so excited about it (this was in the beginning)...I even asked a few of my favorite psychics at the time how it would go and does this mean things are finally going to go in the right direction?  they all said yes, reassured me.  I was so happy..because he had been distant for a while and then he came back so strong.

He ended up canceling the date on me and being a total jerk about it too.  I must have cried for two hours over that.  I called all my readers like, what happened??  they all encouraged me to hang in there, he was scared...all kinds of BS that I believed! 

I get so sick when I think about it.

[sawthelight]

But, my go tos would tell me that he will not change for an extended period of time. The thing that kept me hanging on though was their comments about "He means well, but he's just not in the position to make changes right now".

That was what kept me hanging on too, the idea that he would change. That they saw some time in the future when he would have this big change of heart, and grow out of all the bad behaviors and come back to me as a brand new person. They literally  said things like that and portrayed it as if he would go through some miraculuous transformation.

I would definitely cut off another with the quickness now if I saw anything even close to the same type of crap. So, there's definitely a reason for these experiences we have. I know this one taught me about boundaries, self love, and self respect, albeit a very painful lesson.

Same here. It was very painful but I'm not sure if I could have learned it any other way. I was just too caught up in my own idealism to really see it.

Yes exactly!  Same here, like he was going to be come a whole new person.  I even got the "you make him want to be better" lines.

People don't really change who they are, at the core.  I can't believe I actually believed that stuff.

Even if he did change, he would have come with a whole crap load of baggage that would have sucked for me to put up with anyway, so it all worked out for the best.

[jhuskindle]

Well stated! Contact doesn’t matter, if there is nothing serious coming from it, unless you both want casual friendship and lets be real we dont call psychics about casual friends.