I have one more to share. This one completely changed how I feel about relationships (all relationships) not just the romantic ones.
I think this woman is brilliant in defining what is really going on between people.
I hope this enlightens you like it did me.
Everyone take care!!
Climbing Relationship Ladders...
posted Tuesday, March 12, 2013 11:08 PM by Brigid Bishop
Many of you who have been my clients and have been struggling with relationship issues have had me use this philosophical relationship theory with you either on our call, or through email.
Sometimes we are in relationships that never really seem to take off, they can go on for months, sometimes even years, and we just can't find a way to get them to fully manifest into a happy state of "couple-hood".
Here is an analogy that may help you to understand why. Everyone has relationship "ladders", even you, controlling just how far we allow someone into our lives.
It's like a series of ladders below you. Perhaps you had your ex on a ladder that reached all the way up to being your full time partner, maybe even your husband or wife, things changed, you kicked that ladder away.
You have many friends on ladders that approach you, but their ladders are only so high. You only allow them so much visibility into your life, and there are some friends that you may allow more insight than others. You have guys/girls that you "like" on ladders, but they only go so high. You allowed this "non-manifesting love" a fully extendable (and retractable) ladder to use as they wish, and they may be raising and lowering that ladder as they see fit, and will continue to do so, until you kick that ladder away as well.
The object of your affections has ladders too. Maybe they have people in their life that are on a ladder that's just a little higher than yours is. They are visible to his/her friends and share his/her public appearance, maybe they do not allow your ladder to reach that high, it stays somewhat under the horizon. This happens frequently when you are involved with someone who is either married, or has a significant other already.
Sometimes, people have these shorter ladders, to "keep their options open", all the while having an empty, longer ladder available for someone to climb upon who they think might be a "better" match for them. This is when people get stuck on short ladders, when they don't correctly read and recognize the signs that the relationship they are pursuing has little long-term potential, meaning little chance of developing into a committed, exclusive relationship.
The person that let you get on that short ladder probably likes you, finds you attractive and appealing in some ways, but at the same time, there is just something "missing" that makes them not want to fully extend your ladder up into the middle of their life. Many people are not aware that an individual has a taller, empty ladder, waiting for someone who is just a little bit better of a match, because they may well be having a sexual affair with them and assuming that the ladder will extend at some point due to the passion between them.
Frequently people mistake sex for intimacy. Sex is not an "intimate" act. Sex is a physical and biological act, nothing more. Just because you have "great sex" with a person does not mean that you are going to enter into a relationship (get on the tall ladder). People are capable of having "great sex" with multiple partners. (Don't get me wrong, good sex is a powerful bonding agent between two people, but if the hot sex is not holding you together like glue, something is missing, it's just good sex.)
Intimacy is quite different. Intimacy is spending quiet time alone with each other, sharing thoughts, emotions, future plans, and abstract aspects of your lives. Intimacy is also carrying out plans together, spending time in public together validating your private connection, not just having a conversation over text or chat or phone at 2 o'clock in the morning. That's not intimacy, that's staving off fear and loneliness.
Someone can tell you their deepest and darkest secrets over the phone in the wee hours of the morning, but that is not intimacy, or developing "closeness". Although you may "feel" these types of interactions bring you closer, this is just surrogacy to true intimacy. If a person is truly intimate with you, they will be by your side, or face to face, telling you these things about themselves, likely after an enjoyable evening out together, not after they just got home from an evening out without you.
You can find a better, higher, sturdier, more visible ladder elsewhere.
You really can't compare yourself to other partners he/she chooses to date or spend time with, because each relationship (ladder) any person has, is unique to that pairing.
Is the person you are interested in keeping you on that lower ladder while simultaneously having an empty, higher ladder waiting for someone to climb up it? They may have had a significant ex that was on it for a long time, then he or she jumped off. Now perhaps they are letting other people climb up that higher ladder, at least part way, whether he or she makes it to the top or not, time will tell, but it's not the same ladder they let you use. Your ladder is shorter to begin with.
Sometimes people who knowingly give you a short ladder will keep you perched at the top of it indefinitely, showing you affection sporadically, when they sense you getting ready to jump off the ladder they call or text you and tell you what they think you want to hear. They have, by not being constant in their communication, created a sense of anxiety within you that has you joyfully grabbing up these crumbs of attention as if they were a full seven course meal. This is just another set of bait to keep you nibbling and stretching out to reach them from that little step ladder they have you on.
If they really are the type that take awhile to make up their mind about relationships, if you climb down off that ladder, they will put their own ladder up to reach you and you will know they truly care. Anything less than that is just giving you a small extension for your ladder, always just a little bit too short to stand fully by their side.
These relationships are frequently the "friends with benefits" type, or the "long distance" type, where you never really meet the person, you just keep climbing up and down ladders.
If your legs (and your heart) are tired, it's time to get off the ladder and go sit up in your own crows nest and see who starts building a ladder to sit next to you!
Copyright © 2012 by Brigid Bishop
