Online Dating Experiences

[Synergy]

So, it's been coming up a in posts quite a bit... ONLINE DATING!!  Ahhhhh!!  I'll bite and will provide my current experience with Match.com.  I joined in November. 

My experience with Match has been a less than satisfying one, in fact, it's been kind of depressing.  Now, this post is in no way trying to detract anyone from joining an online dating site.  I want to share what I've encountered so that you may be able to make an informed decision regarding whether or not Match is right for you.  I have friends who have had positive experiences on Match, so this can be a one off thing. 

Ok, first.  I actually really like the way Match is set up.  I dedicated time answering the questionaire and sharing information about my likes.  Yes, it takes time to develop a decent profile, but it's time well spent considering you want to find someone who you could potentially have a relationship with at some point.  I also really like the fact that besides the daily matches that are sent to you by the site itself based on the different attributes you'd like in your potential partner, you are also able to search the site and look at all profiles.  You can limit your search based on certain qualities, physical traits, location, etc. 

Now the bad.  I just don't think these are men who are looking for serious relationships, and if they are, they are incredibly unrealistic in their expectations.  Every single guy seems to be looking for an active, sporty super model.  I don't want to reveal where I live here on the forum (PM me if you need to know), but I do wonder if this is strictly a geographical issue or if men really think they can be this picky.  I am a slim woman.  I do not have a six pack, but I am also not over weight by any means.  I go to the gym on my lunch break almost daily, but do not consider myself active or outdoorsy.  I am not a super model, but I regularly receive compliments about my looks so I know I'm not unattractive.  I also am a confident, educated, well-rounded woman.  Well, this Match experience has made me feel like a fat, ugly, unappealing individual.  Not really... but you know what I mean!  The expectations are unreal!!  Their profiles list that they want active women who will join them on runs, hikes, workouts, etc.  Uhhh, do that with your friends!!!  You can want someone healthy and fit, but why do you need someone who will be your gym buddy.  Every single profile is like this!!!  It's bizarre!!

And guess what?  The guys who are "interested" in me or "wink" at me are not within the descriptors I specifically list on my profile i.e. they are 60 years old, when I specifically said I want someone between 30-45... sadly I've received lots of interest from men who are as old as my dad.  I actually like older men, but this is gross.  The other ones who show interest are incredibly hideous.  I feel terrible saying this after stating that all the guys want super models, but come on.  Not every man I've dated has been super attractive, but I do have standards and it shocks me to think that some of these men really think I'm going to respond favorably.

I am a single mom, and this has also been a great disadvantage for me on Match.  Soooooo many men (maybe it's just the men in my city; I don't know) exclude single moms.  It's been pretty depressing.  I think if I had chosen eHarmony, I would've had a better experience with this.  The single fathers on the site are the only ones open to dating a single mom, and the ones I have been contacted by just haven't been what I've been looking for. 

I've dedicated time and money to a site that has yielded zero results.  Since joining in November, there have only been 3 men I have considered meeting.  I didn't end up meeting any of them... that was my choice, so I could have possibly been on 3 dates, and I do not blame the site itself for this not happening.  I was just too chicken to follow through. 

So, do I regret joining Match?  No, not really.  It has been an experience.  My friends have been begging me to try online dating for awhile, and I was finally at a place when I didn't see the harm.  I think I'll stick with it awhile longer, and I'm actually considering joining eHarmony since I think I may have a better opportunity of meeting someone there.  I'd be curious in hearing anyone else's thoughts and experiences with online dating. 

Overall, it's definitely outside of my comfort zone, inorganic, and unnatural, but I am glad I pursued this avenue and wouldn't discourage anyone from doing the same. 

[lioness79]

I agree those are strange requirements, Synergy. Maybe you should have a profile demanding a 6-pack GQ man that is into shopping and getting manis and pedis together. You can't see me, but I'm rolling me eyes here.

[scorpiogirl]

I've found the same as you, Synergy, that men who date online are really not looking for serious relationships. I'm forced to go online given where I live currently, but it's the same story over and over. They're all looking for the next best thing.

It seems to be a temporary solution for a temporary problem - none of use are in our home countries.

This year I choose singledom, rather than being forced into it

[sunandmoon]

I have never had any desire to do online dating, personally I'd rather be single. Too many crazies out there! NO OFFENSE to anyone who does it!!!

But two stories to tell: my ex's mom was on a couple of sites. One of the guys she went out with - I actually think they had a Valentine's date 2 years ago - was at least 100 lbs over the weight of the pix he had posted. He told her it was a recent pic before they met but would not send her any others. She was floored when they finally met, and really upset that he deceived her like that. It wasn't like she was looking for that super fit 60 year old but she would have liked to know the guy she was meeting was pushing 300.

I have a good friend who is a single mom of 3, and met her current bf on match. I don't think he has any kids, but she posts many pix of him with hers. It's worked out great for them.

Like everything in life, it can go either way. Best of luck to all of you! 

[jen80]

Apart from being too chicken to try online dating am also afraid that the men may not be serious or may also be using it as a way to get dates but not for anything serious. I don't think I'll have much luck with online dating. I just don't trust the guys. Some people have luck and actually get married or have very good relationships but the good guys online are few and far between.am not a super model and so will be very self concious. I think the first meeting would make me nervous.they may be expecting a supermodel.

[PrettyLittleLiz]

Let me share my experience with online dating and let you all know I have absolutely no horse in the race of what your decisions are in regard to your lives and have zero affiliation with Eharmony. I only have what my personal experience has been. I tried Match.com when I was younger (hey, 5 of my friends ex boyfriends, the idiot personal trainer of my boss, a guy I know with a girlfriend, my Dad, etc) and actually tried Eharmony for about a week last year, but was too hung up on my ex to really give another person, let alone someone I've never met, a chance.

I signed up for Eharmony right before Thanksgiving because I was looking for a RELATIONSHIP and because I loved their marketing. It hooked me from the beginning. I was sent the 8-10 immediate matches of men, and a couple of them sent me the first line of defense questions. I really enjoyed their profile building, the questions, the discretion, the format of their website. I think they must have just revamped their layout because it looks a lot more like a social networking page then a dating website page. Anyway, I traded responses with a couple men, and one had asked if he could call me. I was SO hesitant to do anything because I felt like it wasn't an organic way to meet someone (I was hung up on my ex), and I was kinda self conscious that I'd meet a man and afraid he'd reject me and my ego would never recover, thus spiraling me into years and years of singledom and probably very expensive therapy. Signing up for Eharmony was THE BEST decision I have made in all of 2012 regarding my romantic relationships. My current boyfriend, C, and I were matched up almost immediately and he was the only guy I chose to meet in a public place for a drink to feel out. I also googled him before to make sure he wasn't a creep. He has been on their website for about a year, and was looking for a relationship - but didn't have it work out with any person he had dated before we met. It takes two to want to be in a relationship and I really don't think that the men on Eharmony would spend tons of time developing their profiles and without the ability to search women if they weren't looking for relationships. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 and a half months now and let me tell you - he is smart, successful, handsome, kind, loyal, and just overall amazing. I honestly feel like I'm in a fairytale and can't believe this guy was on a dating website. Do I think that everyone's experience is the same as mine? No. But a handful of my friends have met their current significant others on Eharmony and I can honestly say with my work schedule and since I don't like the bar scene, I never would have met this gorgeous man if it wasn't for this website.

I just think everyone's experience is different and this was the right choice for me because I knew I wanted a man who was looking for a partner. Additionally, there were a handful of other guys I would have probably have gone out with had I not had such an amazing connection and had C not pursued me as much as he did. Think of all the money you've spent on psychic readings about someone who obviously hasn't been treating you how you deserved to be treated. Nobody says you have to meet anyone, but it is interesting to see who's out there and maybe you'll get as lucky as I did.

[jen80]

@P am so happy for you. He sounds amazing. Are their online profiles real?. Is there a way to be sure?.

[PrettyLittleLiz]

I know Eharmony uses http://www.relyid.com/

[loops77]

I have never dated online, but I do keep on reading that different sites have a different vibe. It does seem like eHarmony offers a better chance because of the thorough intake process. It seems I hear horror stories from Match and OkCupid

[hope4love]

nm

[jordie]

I know a few people who have had luck using the online dating sites but I got tired of all the creeps contacting me, too much work trying to weed them out!  The last one who contacted me told me his real name so I looked him up on google, quite a few mug shots for domestic violence showed up. That was it for me.

[sunandmoon]

There is also one called fitness singles that I had checked out figuring my ex was on there. As you'd expect it is geared towards those who love sports or working out, you actually list all the activities you do as part of your profile. One of my favorite (as in haha) profiles was a guy dressed in jeans and loafers leaning against his status-symbol car, entitled "headed out on my favorite long hike". His profile bragged about all the hiking he did. Not that he didn't look fit enough to hike, there just no way he was going out on a long hike (as a "hiker") dressed the way he was. Don't get me wrong - I've certainly seen people dressed that way hiking - but they are not "hikers".

Then I always wondered about the ones that were on there for 2 years or more. And I know this from having worked in the industry - many exercise-driven people are very Type A and it is hard to deal with them. If you're on the same page as them with working out and stuff, it can become a competition. If you are not as fit as them, you can be deemed lazy. If you are a woman more fit than him - that's not gonna work either! It takes special people to make any of those combinations work. Many of my seriously athletic friends are single as a r/s takes up a lot of time away from their training. So ya, be forewarned when seeing how active a guy is in his profile.

And besides, I'll bet most guys think girls dig guys that are outdoorsy! Walks on the beach in the moonlight, loves kids and animals, curled up in front of the fireplace for a quite night in. They say what they think you want to hear.

[whiteangel]

Thank you all for sharing! If I decide to go for it, I'll certainly let you know.  PrettyLittleLiz - congrats, I'm so glad your gamble is paying off and it's great to hear some good news here.

I'm REALLY into the baggage reclaim stuff at the moment and feel like I'm progressing more than I have in the last 6 months to leave behind my 'imaginary' relationship with my emotionally unavailable man (EUM for those of you who aren't familiar) and stop calling psychics to feed me illusionary (even if sometimes seemingly accurate information) that's been fueling this whole thing.  It wasn't actually an 'imaginary' relationship to start, but I'm seeing a lot of patterns and dysfunction about my own emotional unavailability that have kept me engaged in this type of nonsense.

And, after a painful divorce full of a lot of deceit and betrayal a couple of years ago (which basically started or at least kicked  the psychic habit into HIGH gear - to try to get the truth about what my narcissist ex husband was really up to), and then getting almost immediately involved with a new self absorbed child man, I did recently put myself out on a bit of a new limb and decided to go out with a friend of a friend who is currently,  literally treating me like a queen.  So I'm working on trying to be available for that!  And, all I can say is we'll see how this goes before online dating...

In the meantime, I do expect my EUM to pop up any day now and ask to see me -- and for the first time in the last year the answer is no thanks.  I would also point out that all of this has been predicted by most of the psychics I've been consulting.  They've even told me the astrological signs of these guys, their occupations, etc. It's uncanny and of course, it's why I keep going back for more, I would point out though that the fairytale of how an emotionally unavailable man is going to decide that I'm the special one that can make him change for the better has yet to happen! That's what I'm in the process of giving up on and coming back to reality. 

I'll also say that they all said they saw my ex-husband coming back, wanting to come around again.  It came about a year later than predicted, and it wasn't anything to write home about, but I did get that vindication and I knew I had an opportunity.   Kelli from CP was probably most accurate about seeing that, the circumstances surrounding it, etc.  BTW.  Although I'm finding that her timelines are like literally 1 year off.  She also see's a lot of things by 'seasons' so I guess Fall of one year probably looks a lot like Fall of another year.

I will also update you with my experiences with psychics (mostly CP) in the days to come. I can tell you who I think has been accurate for me, or at least helpful. 

[sunandmoon]

Wow - how to misread a post! Did you note the word CAN?

CAN become a competition
CAN be deemed as lazy
I did however miss that in the "women stronger than man won't work" sentence (this where the special mentalities/certain combinations statement comes in)

How on earth you ever got that I feel women should not work out or exercise is beyond me. I'm an endurance athlete myself and have been working out in some way for most of my life. I would not give it up for anyone. The guy I am currently with does not work out to my extent (my exh and exbf did) BUT he will do many things with me without complaint and is extremely supportive of what I choose to do with my body. He may think I'm crazy, but he never tries to discourage me - which I had with my exh who was also an athlete (imagine sitting at breakfast and saying gee, I'd love to try that some day, sounds like a lot of fun, and being told (after he wipes the tears of laughter from his eyes) that there is no way you could ever do THAT and then lists all the reasons why. Yes, I proved him wrong).

And yes, it DOES take special mentalities to make certain combinations work. I have been in the fitness industry for many years and have seen many a r/s break up because one was super competitive and one was not. Or they both were and continued to compete with each other. Or the woman was stronger than the man and his ego couldn't take it. Or one couldn't stand the other working out with certain people. Like it or not, I have seen these and I stated that. In your words, I am trying to voice my opinion responsibly because I've seen it over and over again. I would not expect any of my fitness friends to give up that part of their life for anyone! But many people they choose to be with expect that and don't like being put on the back burner for a 6 hour workout, and then the r/s implodes.

You are a woman, correct? I did say most guys say those things (beach, moonlight etc) because they think women like them. I like them too. I know men who do - I have one   I've also met men AND women who say stuff, maybe do it once or twice and quickly change back to the stay at home person they always were. Be honest - everyone knows people like that, men and women. Women who claim to love football but really just know who the home team is (not saying women who love sports  don't exist), men who claim to love walks on the beach when they can't stand the sand in their shoes (I prefer barefoot but that's me lol)

I didn't take this as an attack, but I do feel you completely misread it.   Of course many guys love that you're fit, they'd be idiots not to. Many guys love that I am too. But dealing with them on a r/s basis can be a whole different issue.

This is another reason why I don't like dating sites. I prefer to meet people doing things I enjoy. That way you know they are probably being honest about at least that activity!    But kudos to those have have succeeded using them - you are braver than I!

I hope this makes better sense. I was trying to give a sense of what it's like to be with someone with whom working out is a huge part of their life and vice versa based on above posts of people complaining that it seems like every profile they read made it sound like the guys were looking for workout buddies. If that person truly is into working out or hiking or whatever, you either join them happily, or have that special mentality not to mind when he/she goes out with a group of people without you.

<fixed stupid typos that weren't apparent the first 3 times I re-read it>

[Zee]

If you try eHarmony Google first for coupon codes (they are always running specials), because I’ve spent no more than $40 for a full six month membership.  Keep trying the codes until something works, because there are plenty out there.  The biggest difference about eHarmony is that eHarmony does not allow you to search for men like all the other sites do.  You are subjected only to the ones that fit your profile.  Take your time with your profile because it takes a long time anyway and is very thorough.

All dating sites have databases in the backend and depending on if they are set up right, you will get some toads.  I even had some obese guy send me a wink and I immediately blocked him.  There was no point in me just being outright rude.  I’ve also had a guy in a wheelchair pm me too and I also blocked him, because I mainly felt he was on the wrong site, but I don’t need to go into all that – just that if he is paralyzed and I want sex, it’s just not going to work.

I’ve been told a couple of things about dating sites: they are meat markets. Even the Christian based ones or the Jewish based one as well. There are still good men out there, you have to be patient because let’s be honest, there really aren’t that many places where you can meet someone you want to date.

But don’t think that ALL men don’t want a relationship, some do and some just want to bang around too.  To be successful at online dating, you need to have memberships at more than one site.  I believe Match bought yahoosingles, so that site now has a larger database than most, although eHarmony is more popular. You also might want to date outside of your race or religious background.  It opens you up to a much larger pool for available men.  All I’m saying is don’t limit yourself.

The pictures people post is the number one complaint from dating sites.  Everyone lies because they want to be desirable, but generally men lie about their height/weight/hair or bald/or if they work out and women lie about their age/weight and a lot of people lie about having kids or not. I actually knew a guy who had a child, but refused to date women with children. 

I’ve heard horror stories from many different sites, so don’t think one is more reputable than another. People can be just as deceptive in your face as they can online, so just use caution. The first date should be no more than thirty minutes in a public place, unless of course you click and want to make the time longer, or think he is a bore and want to shorten it.